From Riches to Rags, and the Glory I Found There

I have loved watching the journey of bereavement unfold in my life. Four years ago I would never have thought that I would be where I am now but I am so so thankful for the adventures that have brought me here. I'm thankful for a loving Father who has spoken the words of scripture into my heart and has redeemed the greatest pain in my life and created in it my greatest calling.  "All praise to God, the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ. God is our merciful Father and the source of all comfort. He comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort others. When they are troubled, we will be able to give them the same comfort God has given us. For the more we suffer for Christ, the more God will shower us with his comfort through Christ. Even when we are weighed down with troubles, it is for your comfort and salvation! For when we ourselves are comforted, we will certainly comfort you. Then you can patiently endure the same things we suffer. We are confident that as yo...

This is just a short testimony I gave at a women's event last week.I wanted to share because throughout the week leading up to it i felt attacked and undermined by Satan. I was in a state of  confusion and denial about my self worth and the importance of sharing testimonies. Through my struggles to define this testimony God encouraged me through a dear friend and her prayers and opened my heart to obedience, especially during struggles  This year my relationship with God has been deepening in new ways and I have felt myself more vulnerable to attacks from the evil one. In each circumstance God has given me the confidence to overcome them, even as I have struggled to fully comprehend the layers of deceit being whispered into my life. The have served as  reminders that my Abba Father is still so very loving and faithful. My experiences this week and the Spirit of strength inside me enabled me to dig deeply in...

I've literally spent years learning how to be a barren woman.         It sounds strange doesn't it? Like I had to go to school and stumble through a bachelors degree in infertility and years later I'm still working on my masters in barren-hood. Obviously I started by majoring in motherhood but somehow flunked out and realized that my credits could transfer so I'm here just trying to survive finals.       Did I take the analogy too far? It was just to show you that this is a process, a process that does require learning new things, and re-learning old things. A process that forces you to re-evaluate where you thought you were going and makes you change your behavior to be successful.       I tend to be upfront and possibly a tad blunt when it comes to infertility. Why are we so secretive about such a defining part of our lives? If my leg was amputated I wouldn't be constantly hiding it under a blanket after I've h...

One of the most pivotal points in my journey after Kimber died was when another mother of loss gave me some advice. She gently encouraged me to work my heart towards thanking God for Kimber's death.  I talked about to often with John for a while and, eventually, one night during our bedtime prayer I told John I was ready.  "Thank you God for Kimber's death" I felt like throwing up, and I wept in John's arms for a long time. It felt like it went against every fiber of my being, to be thankful for the death of the little red-headed boy who would have called me "Mommy".  God commands us to give thanks in ALL circumstances ("give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus" 1 Thess. 5:18). He requires us to die to our flesh by giving thanks in the midst of our adversity and for the adversity .  That wonderful woman gave me an amazing gift. She pushed my heart in the right direction and led me by...

After your child dies time seems to be measured in relation to the day they died. Today it has been 1 year and 7 months . I've stopped counting the days, and now the time is measured in months. Some day the time will be measured only in years, and then, one day, time will cease to attend my thoughts every day and I will instead measure in moments and events.  But for now, my hearts still counts the months that have passed since my baby died.  It has been 1 year and 7 months since Kimber died and was born.  It has been 1 year and 7 months since I held Kimber in my arms.  It has been 1 year and 7 months since I looked at him and tried to cement his perfect face, and little fingers, and big feet, and red hair, and long body, and sweet lips into my memory forever. We are no strangers to waiting , or to  disappointment , or to pain , or to suffering .  BUT , we also are no strangers to grace , or to joy , or to hope , or to ...

Now that the business of the holidays is over and we have, once again, settled into the familiar routine of life, I can write about our Little One. We had her for 35 days. 35 hectic, crazy, wonderful days.  It's amazing how one little girl can make us a family. Suddenly I was a mom again and John was a dad again.  It was beautiful.  Being a foster mom is an experience I wouldn't trade for anything. I absolutely loved being a mom to such a wonderful, beautiful, smart little girl! It was an amazing to blessing to see my husband being a father to her, our parents being her grandparents, our siblings being her aunts and uncles, and our nieces and nephews being her cousins.  And then, in a blink of an eye, she was gone.  I wish she could have stayed. I really would have kept her with us forever. I miss her so much.  Pictures of her fill our home, in places of honor next to the only pictures we have of our Kimber. And they will be the on...

Fairly often, particularly on my rough days, I find myself missing all the things that Kimber never got to experience. Regret is a slippery slope...I do not want to fall into bitterness over "what if"s and "should have"s. So, today is a "Blessing Blog" - of sorts. Let me share with you some of the places that we went with Kimber and some of the experiences we were able to have as a family. Words could not express our pure joy over Kimber. When we announced him to the world their joy was overwhelming. Friends and family cried happily for us, men gave John heavy slaps on the back and hugs. So many people rubbed my belly over the months, greeting him and talking with him from the moment they knew he existed. He brought so much joy, so much happiness, so much love. My sweet Kimber experienced the snow...so much wonderful snow in the few winter months he was here for. I'm sure he knew how much his parents love the snow (especially his Mommy!). We play...