From Riches to Rags, and the Glory I Found There

     Tomorrow would have have been my 15th wedding anniversary with John, had he not passed away just shy of our 13th anniversary.  It still sometimes boggles my mind that "death do us part" happened so much sooner than we planned. And yet here I am...out in the dating world attempting to find "it" again. It certainly has me feeling some type of way, let me tell ya. And I think the past 1.5ish years I've spent in the dating world has also made lots of other people feel some type of way. "It is what it is" seems a bit of a cliched response...but it really  is  what it is. In the absence of a husband with whom to celebrate a covenant made many many moons ago...I feel like now is a good time to update the world (or my small corner of it) on how dating as a widowed Christian mother in her 30s is going. Here are some things I've learned: -"Christian" is a term used by so many men...yet personified by so very few of them. I am in a somewhat con...

  "Do the right way, not the easy way." I whisper this to myself over and over throughout the days lately.  When I am tired and want to do things the fast way. When I don't want to stop and take the time to teach my daughter "why" instead of snapping that she should just listen to me because I'm the mom and she's the kid. When I am faced with the very hard things and have to make a decision. My husband used to say these words to me. When he wanted the better, more expensive thing that would do the job better or last longer. When it took him twice as long to complete a task then if he had done it the easier way. When I just wanted to rush through the hard things... There are a million things that I wish I could just rush through as a widow... I wish that grief and suffering came with a checklist that provided me with a path through it all.  Because I was so very determined that I could handle the grief...that I could make myself feel safe...that I didn...

  I read a romance novel this week. Romance was always my favorite genre to read. I loved love. I loved the journey that the characters took to find each other, to find their person. Because I knew, intimately, how it felt to find your person. To be fully known and fully loved, just as you are.  But...my romance turned into my tragedy... The irony being that if I had never loved, and been loved, so deeply, I would never have hurt so deeply. It was a cheesy romance. The kind that has you guessing the end about 30 pages in. But it still holds some simple joys. The meet cute, the animosity turned into interest, the understanding that they each have depths the other didn't see at first, the realization that they found their person, some silly misunderstanding that breaks them apart, and the climax that reunites them in declarations of forever and undying love.  Forever... Undying love... It was actually painful when I read that book...vividly remembering what I had and what I...

If you asked me the phrase that I say most often to men on dating apps it's this: I'm not most men's cup of tea.  Nine times out of ten, men think I'm referring to my looks. Listen, I may not be a bombshell, but I'm not some sort of troll. And, if a man "likes" me on a dating app I assume he at least finds me passably good looking. So, no, I'm not disparaging my looks to random men on the internet...but thanks for assuming I think so little of myself, men of the dating world.  I am also not just fishing for compliments from strangers. I decided a long time ago that I wouldn't find my worth in what men think of me, and I still stand by that. But men often think that I'm playing coy and simply try to compliment their way out of a potentially awkward situation. I hate insincere compliments. I get why men throw them out...I really do. But I'm just not looking for a man who says the same generic thing to every woman he chats with on the internet...

I want to embrace the life I live now, and not consistently long for the life I once lived or for a life I dream of.  John is no longer my partner. He is no longer my confident. He is no longer my protector. He is no longer my spiritual head. He exists in the most beautiful parts of my past, but he is unable to exist in my future. And I am left to accept the true brutality of empty arms.  To accept the fact that a man did not rush into my life the moment I was ready for one (how rude). To accept the fact that I am a single mother to a preteen who doesn't always like me.  I hate describing the loneliness that is widowhood and single motherhood. I don't want to sit here, in my blessed life, and make it seem like grief and loneliness is the only story I have to tell. But it is still a very real part of who I am...and I have always tried my best to share all the gory details of my beautifully broken story.  When I am weak and feel like I cannot manage this life alone, th...

I stopped longing for John. I didn't realize that that was something that would truly happen. I cannot begin to express to you the guilt that sometimes supersedes relief when your soul accepts that there is no longer hope in longing for your late spouse.  Because I haven't just stopped longing for him, I have also been longing for a different partner to exist in my future. I don't want to live the rest of my life without the intimacy and love that I know can exist in a godly marriage. I don't want my daughter to never know the love of an earthly father who chooses to keep her forever. In all the support and love that we have in our family and our community, there is no substitution for a husband and a father, tangibly felt in an earthly presence. And when I tell you that it is hard. I want you to truly understand that depths of that.  It is hard to do things in my life that people do not agree with or are not ready for. There is no winning in grief, there is only accept...

And just like that. I am back into the dating scene. It's been over 14 years since I went on a first date. Boy, things have certainly changed since then.  I know what you're thinking, and you're right, it hasn't been very long since John died. You're probably wondering all sorts of things: Is it too soon? What if this is a bad choice? What if someone hurts me? What if I'm just running from my grief? How do I know if I'm ready? Who could ever replace John?  Why would I want to do this all again? How can you share your concerns with me? This is hard, why do I have to do it now? I'll do my very best to be open and honest with you about these things. Because they matter, your concern and worry matters, your love for me, and John, matters.  So thank you. Thank you for wondering the hard questions, and thank you to the people who have posed these questions to me. I welcome questions in the space, it is always better to ask than to wonder.  Is it too soon? Is t...