From Riches to Rags, and the Glory I Found There

If you asked me the phrase that I say most often to men on dating apps it's this: I'm not most men's cup of tea.  Nine times out of ten, men think I'm referring to my looks. Listen, I may not be a bombshell, but I'm not some sort of troll. And, if a man "likes" me on a dating app I assume he at least finds me passably good looking. So, no, I'm not disparaging my looks to random men on the internet...but thanks for assuming I think so little of myself, men of the dating world.  I am also not just fishing for compliments from strangers. I decided a long time ago that I wouldn't find my worth in what men think of me, and I still stand by that. But men often think that I'm playing coy and simply try to compliment their way out of a potentially awkward situation. I hate insincere compliments. I get why men throw them out...I really do. But I'm just not looking for a man who says the same generic thing to every woman he chats with on the internet...

Do you know how terrifying it is to date (particularly online) nowadays? It's a place where good intentions go to die...and the dysfunctions of the world are on full display and declared to be praiseworthy accomplishments. A place where people hurt each other under the guise of "being true to yourself" and where people act shamefully because they are able to hide behind their phone screens so easily. So often it feels pointless to exert real effort in the pursuit of it. I'll be honest, I had no idea how hard it would be, none. A year ago I joked with my friends that, if John ever left me, I would never date again. Because dating seemed so awful...little did I know how bad it could actually be, haha. And yet, here I am. John left me, and I have found that the pursuit of marriage is still a part of the calling for my life. Please bear in mind that I did not say that "marriage" is my calling...because I honestly have no idea if God has another life partner for ...

I spent over 14 years cultivating a relationship with my husband and it took less than 5 seconds to decimate it completely. If I’ve learned anything in the 12 weeks since his death, it’s that that old habits die hard. Those habits strive to live in split seconds of the day. Split seconds where your mind reacts before thinking and you’re left a little broken, having to remind yourself that those habits can no longer exist in the life you now have. I notice every time that I slip and refer to John in the present tense, instead of the past tense. I inwardly cringe every time. I hate doing it in front of strangers, it makes me feel like I’m lying to them. John isn’t here anymore, he’s only in the past.  I try catching myself before I speak the words “we” or “us”, forcing myself to acknowledge that I am no longer a part of either. There are no more “Cunninghams” or “Mr. and Mrs.” or couple activities. There is just Katharine Cunningham…neither a wife nor really a mother. Both of those i...