From Riches to Rags, and the Glory I Found There

I've been working on this post for a while now, collecting information and questions from lots of people. This is only the first post in a series of post related to loss and the questions all of us want answers to. I am excited about sharing some of the things that we have learned along the path of life after our son, Kimber was stillborn as well as the wisdom of others who have also been there. So, without further ado, here are some of the most pressing questions I've been asked, advice I've given, and hope I have received along the way... What should I say? Ok y'all, I get this one a LOT. Its pretty simple, you just say you're sorry, and that it is awful (or sucky, horrible, heartbreaking, etc). So many people have said "I am afraid to bring up their baby because I don't want to hurt them more" and while I understand that heart of that sentiment, no one forgets that their baby has died. You are not reminding them that they've lost a child, yo...

We’ve been through a season of changes in the last two years (see my previous blog for more details). But I haven’t said much about how the process of grief has been woven into that and what that looks like. My family home of 30 years is being sold. The home where I grew up; exploring the river, roaming the mountains, and running through open fields surrounding us. It’s the place where we announced our pregnancy to my family, where we celebrated our baby and his little cousin together, where we talked about his future and hopes and dreams we had for him.  It’s also the place we buried him.  Where I cried at the kitchen table with my mom and my sister and said “I don’t know how to plan his funeral...I don’t know how to bury him”.  Where I came to see my mom the day before his service and cried “I feel like a bad mom, and I don’t know how I can do this”.  It’s the place we all gathered together and had a memorial service for him and it’s the ...

I’ve always tried to be an open book about our struggles. Since Kimber died I’ve encouraged everyone to ask whatever questions they’ve had, whatever things they’ve wondered, and I’ve always tried to answer openly and honestly. I’ve been someone who bursts with encouragement, thank you God for that spiritual gift, and it is second nature to encourage other women who’re grieving; both the loss of a child or the lack of the possibility of one.   So, have you wondered...What it’s like living with Infertility after loss?   It’s like you suddenly joined this ridiculously exclusive club, one where people are bonded by grief, but then, one by one, the other members seem to rise out of it, or to other levels. And you’re left alone. They can’t share with you the same way they once did. Partly it’s because they don’t want to hurt you, and partly because you just don’t have the same things in common a...

     This is a hard one... Last year John and I prayed deeply about stopping actively trying to conceive. We spent a month in prayer and asked a few people to pray for us as well. John and I felt like we needed to stop. Stop with the tests, stop with the meds, stop with tracking cycles, stop with the supplements. I specifically felt like this was just for a year, I wasn't sure what we were supposed to do after that year but I knew He would reveal it in His time.      The Lord blessed us so much in honoring Him and trusting His will for us. We have truly had an amazing year. We traveled to Brazil on a missions trip, took weekend trips to Lancaster, Kings Dominion and Va Beach, vacationed with our family in the Outerbanks, and took a once in a lifetime trip to Albuquerque, the Grand Canyon, and Cimarron! And the year isn't even over yet!!! I can honestly say this year has been one of the busiest years we've ever had.      At the beg...

Kimber died. 2 1/2 years ago, he died. And it almost felt like we died too. Like our very breath had been stolen from our lungs. It literally felt like we were defying nature when we to buried our child.  I say this so you can try to grasp how broken we were at that time. Time stood still the moment he died, the second his heart stopped beating.  Have you been there? In a moment that threatened to last forever and was so unbearable that you were terrified if you would never get out of it alive? But, the world doesn't stop, it just keeps revolving. And we learned, we can't just stop either.  Slowly God asked us to move forward, step by step. Steps we weren't sure we were ready for. Steps that scared us beyond human comprehension.  But He held us as we took them, every single, unstable step. He gave us infertility and asked us to walk...to walk and to still be with Him. He gave us our son, Kimber, and He let us walk as we fel...

I'm so unbelievably sorry, dear one. I'm heartbroken for you, and for your family, and for your baby.  I'm sorry. Where are you at? Are you waiting?  Waiting for that third ultrasound when they can finally say "officially" your baby has died? Waiting to be admitted into a labor and delivery room that previously held excitement but now only holds devastation? Waiting for meds to kick in that will trigger your body to birth the most precious thing in your life? Waiting at home, all alone, for the cramps to start? Waiting for the world to stop spinning, because your world stopped? Waiting in the doctor's office hoping they don't confirm what you already know? Waiting for a Miracle? Are you praying? Praying that all the doctors or midwives were so very wrong, that somehow they missed the tiny little heartbeat that holds your whole world? Praying that it won't hurt as much as you think it will once the shock wears off? P...

After your child dies time seems to be measured in relation to the day they died. Today it has been 1 year and 7 months . I've stopped counting the days, and now the time is measured in months. Some day the time will be measured only in years, and then, one day, time will cease to attend my thoughts every day and I will instead measure in moments and events.  But for now, my hearts still counts the months that have passed since my baby died.  It has been 1 year and 7 months since Kimber died and was born.  It has been 1 year and 7 months since I held Kimber in my arms.  It has been 1 year and 7 months since I looked at him and tried to cement his perfect face, and little fingers, and big feet, and red hair, and long body, and sweet lips into my memory forever. We are no strangers to waiting , or to  disappointment , or to pain , or to suffering .  BUT , we also are no strangers to grace , or to joy , or to hope , or to ...

Suffering is no stranger to us. There have been times where I have lulled myself into a false sense of security and I have thought it may have left us. That its grasp weakened and we were able to slip away.  But it has not. Suffering walks amongst us and stays with us faithfully. Clinging to us as if we are it's life force. As if our very weakening gives it strength.  So, no, suffering is no stranger to us.  That being said, I would also say that suffering has been a far greater teacher to us than joy has ever been. Suffering hurts. It's a part of our lives, and it hurts. Nobody likes suffering. Who enjoys to have our worldly flesh chiseled away as we are shaped into a more Christ-like being? But, suffering IS shaping us. It has a godly purpose that , long ago, was written by a perfect composer.  God has written a beautiful melody of joy and suffering that He sings to us in this broken world. Suffering is intertwined with joy, with thankfuln...

My beautiful perfect son was born a year ago on September 4.  Trust me when I tell you that he truly was handsome. I did not see him with rose-colored glasses. He was beautiful and perfect.  But he was dead.  It still hurts to say those words (or write them). They seem so harsh and cold. Whenever I have to break the news to people I haven't seen in a long time I try to use gentle soothing language. No one wants to be smacked in the face with tragic death.  But we were. It knocked the wind right out of us.  He was dead. And as much as I secretly begged him to breath, he remained dead.  My sweet baby boy who had moved and grown inside me for 9 months had stopped moving.  Words cannot express what that does to a mother , to a father , to a marriage , to a family .  We celebrated his birthday.  Oh yes! We celebrated it! Honestly, it was mostly selfish. I want to know that he has made a mark on this world. I want everyon...