One More, Here We Go, Letting Go

     This is a hard one... Last year John and I prayed deeply about stopping actively trying to conceive. We spent a month in prayer and asked a few people to pray for us as well. John and I felt like we needed to stop. Stop with the tests, stop with the meds, stop with tracking cycles, stop with the supplements. I specifically felt like this was just for a year, I wasn't sure what we were supposed to do after that year but I knew He would reveal it in His time.

     The Lord blessed us so much in honoring Him and trusting His will for us. We have truly had an amazing year. We traveled to Brazil on a missions trip, took weekend trips to Lancaster, Kings Dominion and Va Beach, vacationed with our family in the Outerbanks, and took a once in a lifetime trip to Albuquerque, the Grand Canyon, and Cimarron! And the year isn't even over yet!!! I can honestly say this year has been one of the busiest years we've ever had.

     At the beginning of the year John told me that he wanted our family motto for the year to be "As Family We Go". Focused on being a united front shining the light of Christ and spreading the gospel wherever the Lord leads us. We have had amazing opportunities both at home and far from it in which we felt the Lord used us for His will. We could not be more honored with His handiwork in our lives.

     But, in the back of my mind, I've been waiting for that one year to be up. I'm ready Lord, I'm ready for You to finally give me what I've been waiting for. Our entire journey of infertility and Kimber's death we have said that His will is our deepest desire. We've prayed so many prayers simply asking that our hearts reflect His will for us.

     Last month during my prayer time I wrote to the Lord

 "My heart longs for a baby. Every part of me feels that I meant to be a mother... A mother to a living child. What I want is to be where You are. I would never want to be away from You. Despite how desperately I want to baby, I want You more. I want to live in Your will, rejoicing in Your plan for my life. Please lead my heart to Your will. If we are not to have children please remove or lessen that longing and desire in my heart.  Lord, I feel like it is woven so deeply into my being... But I beg of You, to rip it from me if it is not Your will. I know it will be painful, but I also know that a tree cannot grow if a vine is smothering it. I want to be rooted only in You. Your truth and promises sustain me. Lord, please remind me of this when I am feeling brokenhearted." 

     Last week I once again felt the Lord speaking to my heart. He told me that it was time, but not for what I was expecting. He told me it was time to let go of the last few things we have been saving for our baby. The precious few things we have saved these past three years hoping that one day another little red headed sweetheart would be able to use them. My heart scrambled to the outer edges of His will, hoping there might be a clause in it I missed that meant I could still keep a treasure or two for just a little longer.

     But His peace surrounded my heart and reminded me of my own words I'd spoken to the Lord so very often in our infertility

"Lord, you are all we need. You are enough for us, if we never have children Your will is still good and perfect for us. We want only what You have for us. You are enough, You are everything." 

      And I felt His deep presence, whispering to me

 "I have asked you to walk out in faith one step at a time. These steps have led you away from your dreams but closer to me. You have often said I am enough, that I am all you need. I'm asking you to take that final step in proving those words true. Let them go Katharine, it is time."

     And it is...it is time. Time to say goodbye to the last few things we've held onto for so many years.  Because He truly is more than enough for us. He is everything we want. 

  Because it's not about giving up on dreams, it's about being faithful enough to trust that His dreams are better.