From Riches to Rags, and the Glory I Found There

If you asked me the phrase that I say most often to men on dating apps it's this: I'm not most men's cup of tea.  Nine times out of ten, men think I'm referring to my looks. Listen, I may not be a bombshell, but I'm not some sort of troll. And, if a man "likes" me on a dating app I assume he at least finds me passably good looking. So, no, I'm not disparaging my looks to random men on the internet...but thanks for assuming I think so little of myself, men of the dating world.  I am also not just fishing for compliments from strangers. I decided a long time ago that I wouldn't find my worth in what men think of me, and I still stand by that. But men often think that I'm playing coy and simply try to compliment their way out of a potentially awkward situation. I hate insincere compliments. I get why men throw them out...I really do. But I'm just not looking for a man who says the same generic thing to every woman he chats with on the internet...

I want to embrace the life I live now, and not consistently long for the life I once lived or for a life I dream of.  John is no longer my partner. He is no longer my confident. He is no longer my protector. He is no longer my spiritual head. He exists in the most beautiful parts of my past, but he is unable to exist in my future. And I am left to accept the true brutality of empty arms.  To accept the fact that a man did not rush into my life the moment I was ready for one (how rude). To accept the fact that I am a single mother to a preteen who doesn't always like me.  I hate describing the loneliness that is widowhood and single motherhood. I don't want to sit here, in my blessed life, and make it seem like grief and loneliness is the only story I have to tell. But it is still a very real part of who I am...and I have always tried my best to share all the gory details of my beautifully broken story.  When I am weak and feel like I cannot manage this life alone, th...

And just like that. I am back into the dating scene. It's been over 14 years since I went on a first date. Boy, things have certainly changed since then.  I know what you're thinking, and you're right, it hasn't been very long since John died. You're probably wondering all sorts of things: Is it too soon? What if this is a bad choice? What if someone hurts me? What if I'm just running from my grief? How do I know if I'm ready? Who could ever replace John?  Why would I want to do this all again? How can you share your concerns with me? This is hard, why do I have to do it now? I'll do my very best to be open and honest with you about these things. Because they matter, your concern and worry matters, your love for me, and John, matters.  So thank you. Thank you for wondering the hard questions, and thank you to the people who have posed these questions to me. I welcome questions in the space, it is always better to ask than to wonder.  Is it too soon? Is t...