I know what you're thinking, and you're right, it hasn't been very long since John died. You're probably wondering all sorts of things:
Is it too soon?
What if this is a bad choice?
What if someone hurts me?
What if I'm just running from my grief?
How do I know if I'm ready?
Who could ever replace John?
Why would I want to do this all again?
How can you share your concerns with me?
This is hard, why do I have to do it now?
I'll do my very best to be open and honest with you about these things. Because they matter, your concern and worry matters, your love for me, and John, matters.
So thank you. Thank you for wondering the hard questions, and thank you to the people who have posed these questions to me. I welcome questions in the space, it is always better to ask than to wonder.
Is it too soon? Is this a bad choice? I don't believe anyone can truly be 100% certain. But it doesn't seem too soon for me, and I feel a lot of peace about it as I move forward. I would say that in the beginning I definitely never expected to be moving forward so quickly. I thought I would move in the typical ways. Wait a year, take my rings off, wait another 6 months and then start to think about dating. But that is just not the way that the Holy Spirit has worked in my heart. 2 months after John died I started feeling the prompting from the Lord to remove my rings. They represented a marriage vow that had been completed. We promised "until death do us part" and that promise was fulfilled. I am no longer married. I am no longer John's wife. And it somehow felt wrong to continue to wear his rings, his promises, on my finger. So I thanked John for the wonderful life he blessed me with, and for the beautiful rings he gave to me, and I took them off of my finger for the last time. It was relieving and bittersweet all at once. I loved our life together, and I wanted the future we had planned together, But God gave me such grace in that moment, I knew it was the right thing to do.
That’s how I feel about entering into the dating world now. I cannot explain to you why "now" is the time, but I feel it in my spirit. I feel the peace that surpasses all understanding. And I just feel that we either truly trust that the Spirit leads, or we don't. And I am choosing to trust that He does, and is.
What if someone hurts me? Oh man, someone probably is going to aren't they? Whether intentional or unintentional, someone is bound to hurt me. But isn't that the nature of living in a broken world? I am, after all, not searching for a perfect person, since we all know no such person exists. There was some silly saying floating around years ago that said "a guy worth crying over will never make you cry"...what hogwash. When two sinners engage in any type of relationship there will always be brokenness. But, when two forgiven sinners engage, there will always be a spiritual prompting of grace and forgiveness, even when we are hurt. So, maybe I will get hurt. But I have been hurt before, brutally broken even, and God was able to piece that back together. Shouldn't I trust Him to continue to act in the same ways now?
How do I know if I am ready? What if I'm just running from my grief? Ahh, the age-old question asked to every widow or widower when dating commences. Is anyone ever really ready? Even when you're "ready" you're not. Losing a partner and then attempting to find a new one will never be a simple task. It's convoluted and comes with no simple answers. You can only take it one step at a time and trust that God will give you the strength and grace for each step as it comes.
As far as my grief goes, I can only tell you what I understand of it. I have embraced my grief. I have welcomed it in as the old friend that it has been for so long now. My heart's muscle memory of grieving was quickly engaged and I have worked hard to process and work through the devastation that John's death caused. I have not allowed my grief to shape me, instead I have shaped my grief to be what I want it to. I can choose to live my life broken and beaten by the losses I've experienced. Or I can choose to allow God to be at the center of my grief, enabling me to see His goodness still at work in my life.
I am not running from anything, I have fully embraced it, and that has made all the difference.
Who could ever replace John? Why would I want to do this all again? First of all, we all know that no one could ever replace John. He was an amazing man, and will forever be a part of our lives. I think we all collectively know that we carry his legacy with us, and nothing and no one could ever change that. I am not looking for someone to replace who John was in my life. Another man will not make any of us miss John any less, will not make us grieve him any less. I am not looking to replace him, I am looking to maybe create a new branch of our family tree. I don't particular want to go through all the ups and downs that is dating nowadays. But, I had a beautiful and treasured marriage. I was loved unconditionally and loved unconditionally. I worked through impossible things and was broken and made new. Marriage and a true partnership was one of the most amazing experiences of my life. And I think that maybe, just maybe, that might be out there for me again. I'm willing to put in the effort to see if it is. Because I know just how wonderful it can be. I won't be settling for less than I should because I'm scared or alone. I don't just want companionship. I want a partner who loves the Lord with all his heart. I want a man who will be able to build a family with me. I don't need a man to fulfill me, I am already fulfilled in Christ. I don't need to be rescued. I am just looking for a Christ-centered man who feels the same as me. Maybe he exists...maybe he doesn't, but I think he is probably worth searching for.
How can you share your concerns with me? This is hard, why do you have to do it now? I am so incredibly sorry that this hurts. If I could take your pain away, I would. I miss John too. I wish we could have had our future together. But that was just not the plan that God laid out for us. It just sucks, and your pain sucks, and my pain sucks.
I can only say that, for whatever reason, I feel ready for it now. But that doesn't mean you have to be ready for it now. It is ok that this is hard, it is ok that you might not want to talk about it or hear about it. Grief and joy can exist in the same space. My heart honors your heart, and I believe your feelings matter. if you want to talk about it, please, just message me. I would be happy to discuss any of your concerns or issues. I am an open book, and I encourage all the questioning. I am not a perfect person. I make mistakes. I welcome a dialogue about what my life looks like and the choices I am making. It might not change any of my choices, but it will open us all up to further understand and empathize with each other. This may be my life, but I know that I am not in this alone. So thank you for walking this journey with me...even in these hard and complicated parts.
Comments
Post a Comment