From Riches to Rags, and the Glory I Found There

Look at this lovely box full of children's goodies. This box seems to be full of hopes and dreams...and we are giving them away.  See that advent calendar? I bought it 6 years ago. I dreamed about setting it up with little ones running around acting crazy, hopped up on candy canes and egg nog. I dreamed about telling them the Christmas story and marking off days and celebrating Christ's birth with them. And now, we are giving it away. See that manger scene? I bought it 5 years ago. I dreamed of children growing up knowing abut their big brother, Kimber, and decorating his memorial garden. I dreamed of stories about Heaven and uncomfortable questions about death that both hurt and heal.  And now, we are giving it away. See that puzzle? I bought it 4 years ago. I dreamed of new traditions, of babies draped across bouncing knees, and of silly fights over missing pieces.  And now, we are giving it away. See those socks? I bought them 3 ...

I've literally spent years learning how to be a barren woman.         It sounds strange doesn't it? Like I had to go to school and stumble through a bachelors degree in infertility and years later I'm still working on my masters in barren-hood. Obviously I started by majoring in motherhood but somehow flunked out and realized that my credits could transfer so I'm here just trying to survive finals.       Did I take the analogy too far? It was just to show you that this is a process, a process that does require learning new things, and re-learning old things. A process that forces you to re-evaluate where you thought you were going and makes you change your behavior to be successful.       I tend to be upfront and possibly a tad blunt when it comes to infertility. Why are we so secretive about such a defining part of our lives? If my leg was amputated I wouldn't be constantly hiding it under a blanket after I've h...

I have been writing and rewriting this blog for over a month now. I question what my motives are, what point I want to get across, whether it's glorifying to God or myself? There have been times when I have struggled with sharing too much of our struggles, and our hurts. I've wondering if sharing has been worth it? It definitely has not been easy. I always end up with the same conclusion, that with each step of vulnerability I've taken, the Lord has redeemed it...every time.  So, when He calls me to share, I share. John and I have decided to stop actively trying to have children. A lot of prayer and time and seeking advice from a multitude of counsellors went into this decision.  John and I took time to pray apart and when we came together we both had the same answer from God. It was time to stop, time to let go.  These past few weeks have been quite a struggle for me.  Its been, at times, unbearablely hard letting go of our dreams to have more c...

Some day...days like today, I struggle . I struggle to trust in God's promises, to believe in His goodness, to hope in His plan.  Because it have been five years, and hundreds of pregnancy tests since we started asking God for a child.  Because with every failed cycle of fertility meds my heart hopes just a little less.  Because two years ago I held my son in my arms and desperately willed him to breath, to live. Because every adoption prospect that falls through reminds me of the lack of a miracle.  Because having to give up the chance to adopt our foster daughter resounded in our hearts likes the final nail in a coffin.  Because we are finally selling the very last of our baby items that we kept saving "just in case".  Because we have suffered.... and we are suffering. This season of Christmas is constantly reminding me of the suffering that our Lord experienced to bring us unbelievable joy, and unrelenting hope.  ...