If We Could Give It All Away...

Look at this lovely box full of children's goodies. This box seems to be full of hopes and dreams...and we are giving them away. 

See that advent calendar? I bought it 6 years ago. I dreamed about setting it up with little ones running around acting crazy, hopped up on candy canes and egg nog. I dreamed about telling them the Christmas story and marking off days and celebrating Christ's birth with them.

And now, we are giving it away.

See that manger scene? I bought it 5 years ago. I dreamed of children growing up knowing abut their big brother, Kimber, and decorating his memorial garden. I dreamed of stories about Heaven and uncomfortable questions about death that both hurt and heal. 

And now, we are giving it away.

See that puzzle? I bought it 4 years ago. I dreamed of new traditions, of babies draped across bouncing knees, and of silly fights over missing pieces. 

And now, we are giving it away.

See those socks? I bought them 3 years ago. I dreamed of a laughing Daddy and a little redhead matching their silly socks and running through a messy house on floors that needed to be cleaned. 

And now, we are giving them away.

See those books? I bought them last year when we were starting the process to adopt a baby. I dreamed of a "First Christmas" and of joyful giggles and of years of longing finally fulfilled.

And now, we are giving them away.

We are giving them away because those dreams have not been realized. Those beautiful hopes fell by the wayside and they fell on infertile ground (ironic, huh?). 

Are you asking if we've given up? Are you wondering why I'm even mentioning these things, after so many years? 

The truth is, through the years, we've given away dozens upon dozens of items that we bought for our children. Children that have never existed, and a child that barely got to exist. We gave away an entire decorated nursery. We gave away almost every baby shower gift. We gave away so very much.

But, while these things may represent hopes and dreams, they aren't our hopes and dreams. They are just physical outlets for love that felt stuck in our hearts that was bursting to get out. 

Because we are so filled with hope and love for children we don't have that it almost physically hurts to suppress it. We have to have an outlet. We have to let hope shine out of us someway. And so, we pick up a pair of socks and say "God, please...but if not, we know you are still good".

We cannot give away our hope for a child. We cannot give away the hearts that we have for parenthood. We cannot give away the longing for a child. We cannot give away who He fearfully and wonderfully created us to be.

If we could give it all away it would seem that life would be so much easier. There would be so much less hurt and so much less pain. 

But we can't. We can't give it all away. Because it has a purpose. A beautifully unique purpose, designed by a good and perfect God.

However, we can give away the stuff. Because, in the end, its just stuff. It may hurt and it may be hard to let go of things sometimes...but it just stuff, and sometimes its just necessary to give it all away.