From Riches to Rags, and the Glory I Found There

My daughter went to bed the evening before her birthday and I sat in my living room and thought about our life together. This was our very first birthday together, and the big 13th birthday for her!   What kind of birthday mom was I going to be? What kind did I want to be?  If I had any real sense about me I would have been more prepared. I certainly didn't plan well considering it's summer and my girl is around me 24/7. It's not easy to pop into a store and purchase decorations. I sat there and realized that I hadn't planned anything out besides her gifts. And I just wasn't sure what I was supposed to do. My siblings' kids all wake up to balloons and decorations in celebration of their birthdays. I always thought that I would be the same way, but there I sat, without having purchased a single decoration in preparation for my kid's big day. Would she be disappointed when she woke up? Would she wish I had made it a bigger deal? Would she feel how truly ex...

  I discovered something about myself recently... I discovered that I'm actually terrified of making new friends.  I've never actually been that great at making new friends, in general, if I'm being honest. It's always been a joke between one of my best friends and myself, she makes the new friends and I just ride the coattails of her bravery.  But, before John died, I had actually started making very intentional efforts towards making and cultivating new friendships. I was doing it, making new friends, talking to strangers at parks, inviting them to play groups. Me! I was doing that. Then John died. And I forgot that I even knew how to make new friends. Because I shut myself up in my own little world and I stopped cultivating anything new. I couldn't bare it, you know, building something new. Because it took all of my efforts to keep my world alive, I couldn't introduce something new to the chaos that was my world for a time.  Sometime after life had settle bac...

Have you ever read 2 Corinthians 1:3-4? Have you just skimmed over it? Have you thought, "oh, that's nice, comforting people is always good"? Have you thought one day someone might be there to comfort you? But, have you READ it? Have you let it sink into your soul? Have you read it and felt the calling? Have you wondered how there could ever have been a  time  it didn't mean as much to you? Have you felt the power of God's word flow from your head to your heart as He calls you into something so much bigger than yourself, so much bigger than your own suffering? I have never known comfort quite like when we sat in the hospital  holding t he  body of our only child in our arms.  I have never know joy quite like when we smiled and laughed  and shared our son with whomever wanted to meet him. We had an amazing support system. Amazing family members, amazing friends, amazing church family, and ama...

I have been writing and rewriting this blog for over a month now. I question what my motives are, what point I want to get across, whether it's glorifying to God or myself? There have been times when I have struggled with sharing too much of our struggles, and our hurts. I've wondering if sharing has been worth it? It definitely has not been easy. I always end up with the same conclusion, that with each step of vulnerability I've taken, the Lord has redeemed it...every time.  So, when He calls me to share, I share. John and I have decided to stop actively trying to have children. A lot of prayer and time and seeking advice from a multitude of counsellors went into this decision.  John and I took time to pray apart and when we came together we both had the same answer from God. It was time to stop, time to let go.  These past few weeks have been quite a struggle for me.  Its been, at times, unbearablely hard letting go of our dreams to have more c...

Some day...days like today, I struggle . I struggle to trust in God's promises, to believe in His goodness, to hope in His plan.  Because it have been five years, and hundreds of pregnancy tests since we started asking God for a child.  Because with every failed cycle of fertility meds my heart hopes just a little less.  Because two years ago I held my son in my arms and desperately willed him to breath, to live. Because every adoption prospect that falls through reminds me of the lack of a miracle.  Because having to give up the chance to adopt our foster daughter resounded in our hearts likes the final nail in a coffin.  Because we are finally selling the very last of our baby items that we kept saving "just in case".  Because we have suffered.... and we are suffering. This season of Christmas is constantly reminding me of the suffering that our Lord experienced to bring us unbelievable joy, and unrelenting hope.  ...

After your child dies time seems to be measured in relation to the day they died. Today it has been 1 year and 7 months . I've stopped counting the days, and now the time is measured in months. Some day the time will be measured only in years, and then, one day, time will cease to attend my thoughts every day and I will instead measure in moments and events.  But for now, my hearts still counts the months that have passed since my baby died.  It has been 1 year and 7 months since Kimber died and was born.  It has been 1 year and 7 months since I held Kimber in my arms.  It has been 1 year and 7 months since I looked at him and tried to cement his perfect face, and little fingers, and big feet, and red hair, and long body, and sweet lips into my memory forever. We are no strangers to waiting , or to  disappointment , or to pain , or to suffering .  BUT , we also are no strangers to grace , or to joy , or to hope , or to ...

Hello Friends! We've had a bit of a whirlwind of activity the past few weeks. My sister and I (along with our eager-to-help family members) helped plan and execute my brothers wedding (congratulations Daniel and Crystal!) and... We had our first home visit! EEK! It's becoming real, haha!  The visit went really well (thanks to my awesome sisters, Heidi and Heather, for taking time out of wedding prep to help me!). Our case worker is a wonderful lady who is very friendly. She was so easy to talk to and I'm looking forward to working with her in the future. We have three more home visits that we need to finish before we can be certified, and just a few things that we need to fix/lock up to get the house ready (screens on all the windows, locking up all medicines, locking up cleaning supplies, and just a little more bedroom prep). It's nice to be able to see a light at the end of the tunnel! John and I have been praying about how prepared we should be fo...

Let me start off this post by saying that last night I wrote an entire blog about grief and grieving and then suddenly it all disappeared. POOF! Even though it should have been saved somehow it wasn't and it was all gone. And, for some reason, I wasn't even upset. One of my first thoughts was even "well I guess God didn't want me to post that". But, I did feel like I was supposed to write a post. And what I am about to share with you I really feel like God has laid on my heart. Because I wonder these things, and I struggle with these things and I have hoped that someone would come to me and tell me that I'm normal for thinking them. And I have hoped that I didn't have to speak them out loud because some of them make me feel ashamed. So I am here to confess them first, so you don't have to, and so that you know you are not alone, and maybe so that I know I am not alone either.  So please, read, and try not to feel alone and remember that the One wh...

Changes.....sometimes changes can be completely wonderful things. It seems though, like a lot of things, changes after losing a child can be pretty terrible. But they are inevitable, we go through changes throughout our life and we cannot stop them any more than we can stop the seasons from changing.  We worked extremely hard on the nursery for our first child. And it was so beautiful, and fun...and full of  love. Some days I would just sit in the nursery rocking in the rocking chair holding the little stuffed fox John had picked out especially for the baby. I would rub my stomach and just dream of how wonderful our life was going to be in just a few short weeks.   In some ways it was easier that the nursery was set up for a baby girl and we had a baby boy. Not every part of the nursery reminded me of Kimber, but that didn't take the pain away, for 4 1/2 months after we lost Kimber the nursery just sat there. All the baby items were stored in there, evicted from their pla...