The Forbidden Thoughts Of A Grieving Mother

Let me start off this post by saying that last night I wrote an entire blog about grief and grieving and then suddenly it all disappeared. POOF! Even though it should have been saved somehow it wasn't and it was all gone. And, for some reason, I wasn't even upset. One of my first thoughts was even "well I guess God didn't want me to post that".
But, I did feel like I was supposed to write a post. And what I am about to share with you I really feel like God has laid on my heart. Because I wonder these things, and I struggle with these things and I have hoped that someone would come to me and tell me that I'm normal for thinking them. And I have hoped that I didn't have to speak them out loud because some of them make me feel ashamed.
So I am here to confess them first, so you don't have to, and so that you know you are not alone, and maybe so that I know I am not alone either. 

So please, read, and try not to feel alone and remember that the One who holds us in His hands knows our thoughts and our fears and He comforts us. 

Ok...let's talk about Guilt...because I know we ALL feel it. 

I battle with guilt...different days it's different kinds of guilt. 

Some days I feel...like the worst mother in the world. 

Some days I want to blame myself. 

How could I not have know my son was dying inside of me? How come I didn't do everything I could every single day to make sure he was alive and well? I was at the hospital, the day before he died, I was right there! How could I have not known? Isn't that what a mother is supposed to know, to feel? 

Why did I not count his kicks? I've read stories about women saving their babies because of counting kicks...why didn't I count his kicks? I could have saved his life, he could have lived! But I didn't pay attention. Everyone kept asking me "when was the last time you felt the baby move?" And for the life of me, I couldn't remember. What kind of mother doesn't remember the last moment her baby moved?

 Every time these feelings fill my heart I have to remind myself that despite our best efforts the Lord's plan works out the way it should. There are no what-ifs in His plan. Kimber was never supposed to be anything more than what he was. Our son was meant to die before he reached our arms. Our sweet precious son was never meant to see anyone else's face but the Lord's when he opened his eyes. 

I remind myself these things, and each day it's easier to ease my guilt, and to trust in his plan. 

That's how I deal with Guilt.

I have definitely dealt with my fair share of Regret. 

In the hospital I didn't give Kimber his bath, and I did not dress him. I can't tell you why...I guess I was scared. He was just so fragile and the nurse knew how to take care of him...but I can never get that back. His first and only bath, and his first and only outfit...and it wasn't me...why wasn't it me? 

I see pictures that people have taken of their stillborn child and I wish I could have thought of that. To capture this moment or that moment. Because some days....some day I struggle to remember certain things. How can I forget even little things, shouldn't they be burned into my memory forever? 

Oh gosh....and what color were his eyes!?! I wish I could have seen them.

I have to remind myself of all the wonderful things I got to experience with him. I was very blessed. I was able to give birth to him without complications. I held him and clutched him to my chest the moment he was born. I wept and called out his name in a heart-wrenching moan that only grieving mothers can relate to. I saw his red hair and his ten fingers and ten toes. He had short, little, fingers, just like his Mommy, and his Grumpsy and his uncles. My sister likes to call them the "Fournier hobbit fingers", and I got to see them! He got his hair and his height from his Daddy, and I got to save a lock of his precious hair. We were able to get so many handprints and footprints to save forever. And so many pictures were taken, we have a lot of memories. I was able to introduce him to some of the most wonderful people in my life, and name him after some of the people we have loved the most. 

We have been blessed...so blessed. 

That's how I deal with Regret.

Now let's talk a little bit about Fear...because it terrible.

I'm afraid that I might never have another child. I'm scared that I will always be mother without her baby. I know that if that is in God's plan for that He will give me grace and comfort to accept it. But right now, I'm scared I won't ever hold my living baby in my arms and be able to take them home and raise them and teach them about the amazing God we love and serve. 

I have other various fears about this or that, we all do. But let me reveal one fear that shakes me to my core every time.

I am so scared that I will arrive in Heaven and when The Lord introduces me again to Kimber...my sweet baby boy will not know who I am. Oh, I'm sure he will know I was his mother...but will he know me? Will he know how desperately we loved him? Or how long we waited and prayed for him? How much his death effected us? Will he feel us? Will he love us so desperately as we have loved him every single day since that test showed "l l"? I am just so scared he won't love us. 

Because, let's be honest, we will all be enthralled by Jesus, the King of kings, Lord of lords, the Almighty. Why should Kimber miss us? He has absolutely everything he needs with his Jesus, and he has experienced nothing but His Glory. 

I have only ever shared that with my God and my husband. So it has been extremely hard for me to write it out. But I want other grieving mothers to know that I fear it too...you are not alone. I have felt, and am still feeling what you feel. 

I can only offer hope. Pure hope. I do not know what The Lord is doing in my life, or your life, but I know the God we serve. I know who He is! He is pure, and holy, and good. And He has a plan for our lives, and His plan gives us a future and a hope. 

From one grieving mother to another...

Trust in Him, especially when it feels like there is nothing else to trust in.