From Riches to Rags, and the Glory I Found There

 Hey Babe, For the record, I still freaking hate this. I hate that you’re dead. I hate that some stupid ridiculously selfish choice ended your whole life…and changed mine forever.  I didn’t want this. I promised to love you forever, to choose you forever, to honor you forever…and forever freaking ended way too soon. And I still hate it. I wanted forever with you, John, I still want that forever with you.  I understand all the crazy things that widows do now. I understand why they get rid of all the things. I understand why they sell their house and move. I understand why they cut people off. I understand why they hide. I understand why they run away.  Because I’ve wanted to do all of those things, Babe, I have. I’ve wanted to take all the “easy” way outs. I’ve wanted to just hate the world you left me all alone in. I’ve wanted to force my heart to stop feeling all of the things…even the good things. Because having you missing from me was the deepest cut to my soul I’ve ever experienced

I sat with my daughter on the beaches of Virginia and I breathed in the salty air. Writing while I am at the beach is one of my most favorite things to do. There is something about the sand and the waves that brings clarity to my soul.  So, I sat with some hard things this week, while my kid splashed in the waves and our dog tried to eat seaweed any chance he got. I sat and I prayed and I wept and I wrote. She's lost so much in her short life, this wonderful, frustrating, kind, heartbroken kid of mine. She's been left and hurt and broken...and she deserves so much more. And, somehow, I think that I have this false sense of guilt that I need to be that "more". She should have had John as her dad, I should have had John as a partner in this journey. And somewhere along the way I think I bought into the lie that I  had to be both mother and   father...both Katharine and John to her.  And I have failed, guys. I've failed often. Because, as amazing and wonderful as w