I sat with my daughter on the beaches of Virginia and I breathed in the salty air. Writing while I am at the beach is one of my most favorite things to do. There is something about the sand and the waves that brings clarity to my soul.
So, I sat with some hard things this week, while my kid splashed in the waves and our dog tried to eat seaweed any chance he got. I sat and I prayed and I wept and I wrote.
She's lost so much in her short life, this wonderful, frustrating, kind, heartbroken kid of mine. She's been left and hurt and broken...and she deserves so much more.
And, somehow, I think that I have this false sense of guilt that I need to be that "more".
She should have had John as her dad, I should have had John as a partner in this journey. And somewhere along the way I think I bought into the lie that I had to be both mother and father...both Katharine and John to her.
And I have failed, guys. I've failed often. Because, as amazing and wonderful as we all know John would have been as her dad...I am not him. And I can never possibly be who he would have been to her.
The truth is, I'm a poor imitation of John...I am a poor imitation of her father...because I'm am neither of those people.
I'm just Katharine...and I am just her mom. That's everything and only who I was ever meant to be.
God is so much better of a father than I could ever be. He loves her perfectly and so very wholly. He fills every single crack that she's experienced in all of the years of her life. It was never my place to attempt to fill those cracks with more of me that I am even capable of giving.
I am just Katharine...and I am just her mom...and I am enough to be those things.
I cannot be John to her...and I cannot be her father...and I cannot be her savior.
But I can be her mom...and I know that that is who God has called me to be.
I was messaging one of my best friends about this and she said this to me:
"Families weren’t meant to be broken this way. Death and adoption…both cause such hurt and brokenness and come from hurt and brokenness. But truly, the Lord loves us in that, and I still maintain John would have been so proud of you. There was zero hesitation from you when she told us about her needing a home. Zero. You chose to live out the truth of the Bible even when people were like “wait hold up!" And continuing to seek Him and evaluate and check yourself against the Bible? That makes you a really good mom friend."
And it reminded me of one of my favorite quotes:
"Way before Zacchaeus wanted to see Jesus,
a tree was planted to meet his need."
God ordained our paths...every broken and beautiful part. And He called me to be her mom...and He provided me with everything I needed to answer that calling. He didn't give me what I needed to be her father...because that's not who I am.
I am her mom...
...and I am the tree that was planted to meet her need.
I stumbled about your blogs recently. I've been in a season of grief, anger, faithlessness and angst for awhile due to almost 9 years of infertility struggles, 5 ivf failures, multiple foster babies being reunited with their bio families, and other struggles. Your blogs have truly touched me. I've read them all. You don't need to hear me say how strong you are, because you already know that. But you are truly an inspiration. Im pulling my Bible back out tonight and will trudge forward and quit being angry with God for the things I endured. Also I NEED to add, your words are so eloquently worded!!
ReplyDeleteI just wanted to leave you a message. If you have a fb and ever wanted to connect my name is Melanie Turner. I have an infertility blog on Instagram but im sad to say i don't use it anymore. I quit blogging about it after I think my 3rd ? Ivf attempt.
But im on Facebook. I'm from VA if that narrows it down on fb. Take care and God bless!!