From Riches to Rags, and the Glory I Found There

  Once upon a time I dreamed of a love that would last a lifetime and of children that would fill my home. I was so young and so  naive. I was filled with the kind of hope that brokenness hadn't invaded yet. And I loved every part of the journey that was unfolding before me...once upon a time. Once upon a time, my heart broke. I couldn't conceive a child with my husband and, year after year, hope turned to fear and I forgot what it felt like to not have doubts. I was on the cusp of something great and yet I had no idea...once upon a time. Once upon a time my dream came to life. I felt my son move and grow inside me. I dreamed and loved with a man whose legacy breathed through me. A little redheaded boy who loved the sound of engines revving and midnight snacks....once upon a time. Once upon a time half of my world died. A little boy, who never took a breath, somehow stole ours away. Deep grief was tattooed on our souls and the burden of suffering became our companion...on...

  I never realized how highly I thought of myself before John died. How secure I was in who I was. Being happily married for so long and having healthy relationships with God, my family, and my friends made me feel like I was something truly special. John told me often how beautiful and attractive he found me. But who I was, at my core, that's what was really special...when you got me to open up, when you allowed me to shine, when you just gave me a chance. Living in a world without John has been an eye opening experience. Being on my own in every aspect of life is something I was never prepared for. There are just so many people I meet in so many different scenarios and sometimes it all feels so overwhelming. What if they don't give me a chance? What if I don't actually shine anymore? What if trauma has dulled me? What if grief has changed me to my very core? More and more I am learning how I am different now. I used to live life without walls and used to love so deeply an...