From Riches to Rags, and the Glory I Found There

I've been working on this post for a while now, collecting information and questions from lots of people. This is only the first post in a series of post related to loss and the questions all of us want answers to. I am excited about sharing some of the things that we have learned along the path of life after our son, Kimber was stillborn as well as the wisdom of others who have also been there. So, without further ado, here are some of the most pressing questions I've been asked, advice I've given, and hope I have received along the way... What should I say? Ok y'all, I get this one a LOT. Its pretty simple, you just say you're sorry, and that it is awful (or sucky, horrible, heartbreaking, etc). So many people have said "I am afraid to bring up their baby because I don't want to hurt them more" and while I understand that heart of that sentiment, no one forgets that their baby has died. You are not reminding them that they've lost a child, yo...

We’ve been through a season of changes in the last two years (see my previous blog for more details). But I haven’t said much about how the process of grief has been woven into that and what that looks like. My family home of 30 years is being sold. The home where I grew up; exploring the river, roaming the mountains, and running through open fields surrounding us. It’s the place where we announced our pregnancy to my family, where we celebrated our baby and his little cousin together, where we talked about his future and hopes and dreams we had for him.  It’s also the place we buried him.  Where I cried at the kitchen table with my mom and my sister and said “I don’t know how to plan his funeral...I don’t know how to bury him”.  Where I came to see my mom the day before his service and cried “I feel like a bad mom, and I don’t know how I can do this”.  It’s the place we all gathered together and had a memorial service for him and it’s the ...

There is an absence that never ceases. You feel it at every gathering, every time the “whole family” is together.  There is a fierce desire to have your baby remembered. And to have your struggle acknowledged.  I’m going to preface this by saying that it is no ones responsibility to remember my child, nor acknowledge my struggles. But you must understand that regardless of that, things still hurt, even if it’s no one’s fault.  People have all sorts of different ways of remembering Kimber. Some people remember him the way I do. Some people remember him less. And some people don’t remember him at all.  Today, I’m in the stage of letting go of the strong desire to remind people to remember Kimber.   I was in a protective state for a long time.  I brought him up when people forgot him. I brought his picture when I thought there was going to be pictures of the whole family. I included him in the number of grandchildren in our family. I did...

I’ve always tried to be an open book about our struggles. Since Kimber died I’ve encouraged everyone to ask whatever questions they’ve had, whatever things they’ve wondered, and I’ve always tried to answer openly and honestly. I’ve been someone who bursts with encouragement, thank you God for that spiritual gift, and it is second nature to encourage other women who’re grieving; both the loss of a child or the lack of the possibility of one.   So, have you wondered...What it’s like living with Infertility after loss?   It’s like you suddenly joined this ridiculously exclusive club, one where people are bonded by grief, but then, one by one, the other members seem to rise out of it, or to other levels. And you’re left alone. They can’t share with you the same way they once did. Partly it’s because they don’t want to hurt you, and partly because you just don’t have the same things in common a...

This is just a short testimony I gave at a women's event last week.I wanted to share because throughout the week leading up to it i felt attacked and undermined by Satan. I was in a state of  confusion and denial about my self worth and the importance of sharing testimonies. Through my struggles to define this testimony God encouraged me through a dear friend and her prayers and opened my heart to obedience, especially during struggles  This year my relationship with God has been deepening in new ways and I have felt myself more vulnerable to attacks from the evil one. In each circumstance God has given me the confidence to overcome them, even as I have struggled to fully comprehend the layers of deceit being whispered into my life. The have served as  reminders that my Abba Father is still so very loving and faithful. My experiences this week and the Spirit of strength inside me enabled me to dig deeply in...

     This is a hard one... Last year John and I prayed deeply about stopping actively trying to conceive. We spent a month in prayer and asked a few people to pray for us as well. John and I felt like we needed to stop. Stop with the tests, stop with the meds, stop with tracking cycles, stop with the supplements. I specifically felt like this was just for a year, I wasn't sure what we were supposed to do after that year but I knew He would reveal it in His time.      The Lord blessed us so much in honoring Him and trusting His will for us. We have truly had an amazing year. We traveled to Brazil on a missions trip, took weekend trips to Lancaster, Kings Dominion and Va Beach, vacationed with our family in the Outerbanks, and took a once in a lifetime trip to Albuquerque, the Grand Canyon, and Cimarron! And the year isn't even over yet!!! I can honestly say this year has been one of the busiest years we've ever had.      At the beg...

Have you ever read 2 Corinthians 1:3-4? Have you just skimmed over it? Have you thought, "oh, that's nice, comforting people is always good"? Have you thought one day someone might be there to comfort you? But, have you READ it? Have you let it sink into your soul? Have you read it and felt the calling? Have you wondered how there could ever have been a  time  it didn't mean as much to you? Have you felt the power of God's word flow from your head to your heart as He calls you into something so much bigger than yourself, so much bigger than your own suffering? I have never known comfort quite like when we sat in the hospital  holding t he  body of our only child in our arms.  I have never know joy quite like when we smiled and laughed  and shared our son with whomever wanted to meet him. We had an amazing support system. Amazing family members, amazing friends, amazing church family, and ama...

Kimber died. 2 1/2 years ago, he died. And it almost felt like we died too. Like our very breath had been stolen from our lungs. It literally felt like we were defying nature when we to buried our child.  I say this so you can try to grasp how broken we were at that time. Time stood still the moment he died, the second his heart stopped beating.  Have you been there? In a moment that threatened to last forever and was so unbearable that you were terrified if you would never get out of it alive? But, the world doesn't stop, it just keeps revolving. And we learned, we can't just stop either.  Slowly God asked us to move forward, step by step. Steps we weren't sure we were ready for. Steps that scared us beyond human comprehension.  But He held us as we took them, every single, unstable step. He gave us infertility and asked us to walk...to walk and to still be with Him. He gave us our son, Kimber, and He let us walk as we fel...

I'm so unbelievably sorry, dear one. I'm heartbroken for you, and for your family, and for your baby.  I'm sorry. Where are you at? Are you waiting?  Waiting for that third ultrasound when they can finally say "officially" your baby has died? Waiting to be admitted into a labor and delivery room that previously held excitement but now only holds devastation? Waiting for meds to kick in that will trigger your body to birth the most precious thing in your life? Waiting at home, all alone, for the cramps to start? Waiting for the world to stop spinning, because your world stopped? Waiting in the doctor's office hoping they don't confirm what you already know? Waiting for a Miracle? Are you praying? Praying that all the doctors or midwives were so very wrong, that somehow they missed the tiny little heartbeat that holds your whole world? Praying that it won't hurt as much as you think it will once the shock wears off? P...