I've been working on this post for a while now, collecting information and questions from lots of people. This is only the first post in a series of post related to loss and the questions all of us want answers to. I am excited about sharing some of the things that we have learned along the path of life after our son, Kimber was stillborn as well as the wisdom of others who have also been there.
So, without further ado, here are some of the most pressing questions I've been asked, advice I've given, and hope I have received along the way...
What should I say? Ok y'all, I get this one a LOT. Its pretty simple, you just say you're sorry, and that it is awful (or sucky, horrible, heartbreaking, etc). So many people have said "I am afraid to bring up their baby because I don't want to hurt them more" and while I understand that heart of that sentiment, no one forgets that their baby has died. You are not reminding them that they've lost a child, you speaking about it reminds them that their baby LIVED and that they mattered.
You cannot heal them. This might seem like a no brainer, but you'd be surprised. There is NOTHING, I repeat, NOTHING, that you can say in your power that can make their hurt go away. They have lost a baby, their precious and loved baby, and it hurts. They are allowed to hurt and grieve such a loss. You do not need to try to come up with ways to make it easier (ie: "at least you can get pregnant, "at least you have other children", "maybe their life would have been awful if they had lived", "maybe something awful was wrong with them"). You do not have the power to heal them from unspeakable heartbreak. What you can do is sit with them in the ashes and grieve with them.
What if I mess up and make it worse? Honestly, its entirely possible that you will...possibly you've already read something that you've inadvertently said to a grieving parent. But listen, it is ok! We are all human, we all make mistakes and say things we didn't mean, or didn't mean "that way". And grieving parents aren't immune to their own sin nature either, they're making mistakes too. The best thing to do is be open and honest.
I remember, a few months after Kimber died, I messaged some mothers who had experienced the loss of a baby and I apologized for things that I had said or did that I realized were insensitive or thoughtless, when I wasn't trying to be.
We have all been there, pull yourself up by your bootstraps and try again.
What was the worst part physically? Well, I had a full-term stillbirth. I vaginally delivered a 6 pound baby and held him in my arms. The worst part was that afterwards I physically lived the life of a mother who had just given birth, but I had no baby. I bled for a few weeks, my milk came in a couple days after his birth, the hormones made me feel terrible, my arms actually physically ached to hold an infant that didn't exist anymore, I battled with postpartum depression amongst deep grief.
The worst part is knowing that you gave birth, you labored and pained and cried, and everyone seems to have forgotten, and you must continue on because you have no baby in your arms.
Remember that when someone miscarries or has a stillbirth, has to have a DNC, a C-section, or vaginal delivery...AT ANY STAGE OF LIFE, they are giving birth to a child no longer living, and it is an unspeakable tragedy. Don't expect them to return to normal life...honor them as you would any live birth mother.
Remember their babies. If someone you know and love losing a child, REMEMBER. You can remember specific dates (birthdate (day of miscarriage or loss, because a stillbirth is still a birthday), day they discovered they were pregnant, their due date). Tell them you remember what that day means, meant, or was supposed to mean to them. You can also remember them on the holidays when their presence is deeply missed because their parents know they're missing, and it feels like no one else does. You can remember them for no other reason than to share with their parents that their baby is not lost in the world of fading memories. Remember them because they are loved by parents who feel like they're the only ones left who aren't forgetting that they existed.
How long does it hurt for? Oh man, thats a deep question...if you're a part of the loss community you know that there are so many descriptions for grief, but the most well-encompassing one is probably just the statement that "there is no timeline for grief". You cannot hurry grief along. Sometimes, after you think you've healed quite nicely and it doesn't hurt as much, you see a five year little boy with bright red hair and your heart hurts so badly you're afraid you're going to throw up. Grief changes and shifts and becomes a part of us. There is not always solid reasoning or meaning behind it, it just is the way that it is. The best thing you can do is support them wherever they are, see their pain, acknowledge it, and love them.
Don't offer false hope. This one is probably up for debate in the loss community. But I am a firm believer in the truth of the scripture and that God is the ultimate healer. I would advise you not to offer up cliched platitudes ("you'll have more babies", "soon it won't hurt", "this butterfly is your baby saying hello" etc). The truth is that you cannot know the future, and unless God has given you a divine inspired word to speak over their life, you probably shouldn't be telling them their futures.
The only hope we have is in Christ Jesus, through His sacrifice and His redemption of us. This world is broken and we have to live our broken lives in it. Comfort them with the truth of God's character and who He STILL is in the midst of their grief. They may not like God very much in the moment, thats ok, allow them to feel their feelings, wait for the right time. When they ask you for hope, do not fill them with false hope of your knowledge of the world, fill them with the truth of the Gospel.
Grieving people need life breathed back into their broken hearts, the only lasting healing comes from God, don't mistake your wisdom for His.
That's it for the first part in our series. If you have other questions you'd like answered or thoughts addressed in one of these posts go ahead and comment below. I'd love to hear from you!
So, without further ado, here are some of the most pressing questions I've been asked, advice I've given, and hope I have received along the way...
What should I say? Ok y'all, I get this one a LOT. Its pretty simple, you just say you're sorry, and that it is awful (or sucky, horrible, heartbreaking, etc). So many people have said "I am afraid to bring up their baby because I don't want to hurt them more" and while I understand that heart of that sentiment, no one forgets that their baby has died. You are not reminding them that they've lost a child, you speaking about it reminds them that their baby LIVED and that they mattered.
You cannot heal them. This might seem like a no brainer, but you'd be surprised. There is NOTHING, I repeat, NOTHING, that you can say in your power that can make their hurt go away. They have lost a baby, their precious and loved baby, and it hurts. They are allowed to hurt and grieve such a loss. You do not need to try to come up with ways to make it easier (ie: "at least you can get pregnant, "at least you have other children", "maybe their life would have been awful if they had lived", "maybe something awful was wrong with them"). You do not have the power to heal them from unspeakable heartbreak. What you can do is sit with them in the ashes and grieve with them.
What if I mess up and make it worse? Honestly, its entirely possible that you will...possibly you've already read something that you've inadvertently said to a grieving parent. But listen, it is ok! We are all human, we all make mistakes and say things we didn't mean, or didn't mean "that way". And grieving parents aren't immune to their own sin nature either, they're making mistakes too. The best thing to do is be open and honest.I remember, a few months after Kimber died, I messaged some mothers who had experienced the loss of a baby and I apologized for things that I had said or did that I realized were insensitive or thoughtless, when I wasn't trying to be.
We have all been there, pull yourself up by your bootstraps and try again.
What was the worst part physically? Well, I had a full-term stillbirth. I vaginally delivered a 6 pound baby and held him in my arms. The worst part was that afterwards I physically lived the life of a mother who had just given birth, but I had no baby. I bled for a few weeks, my milk came in a couple days after his birth, the hormones made me feel terrible, my arms actually physically ached to hold an infant that didn't exist anymore, I battled with postpartum depression amongst deep grief.The worst part is knowing that you gave birth, you labored and pained and cried, and everyone seems to have forgotten, and you must continue on because you have no baby in your arms.
Remember that when someone miscarries or has a stillbirth, has to have a DNC, a C-section, or vaginal delivery...AT ANY STAGE OF LIFE, they are giving birth to a child no longer living, and it is an unspeakable tragedy. Don't expect them to return to normal life...honor them as you would any live birth mother.
Remember their babies. If someone you know and love losing a child, REMEMBER. You can remember specific dates (birthdate (day of miscarriage or loss, because a stillbirth is still a birthday), day they discovered they were pregnant, their due date). Tell them you remember what that day means, meant, or was supposed to mean to them. You can also remember them on the holidays when their presence is deeply missed because their parents know they're missing, and it feels like no one else does. You can remember them for no other reason than to share with their parents that their baby is not lost in the world of fading memories. Remember them because they are loved by parents who feel like they're the only ones left who aren't forgetting that they existed.
How long does it hurt for? Oh man, thats a deep question...if you're a part of the loss community you know that there are so many descriptions for grief, but the most well-encompassing one is probably just the statement that "there is no timeline for grief". You cannot hurry grief along. Sometimes, after you think you've healed quite nicely and it doesn't hurt as much, you see a five year little boy with bright red hair and your heart hurts so badly you're afraid you're going to throw up. Grief changes and shifts and becomes a part of us. There is not always solid reasoning or meaning behind it, it just is the way that it is. The best thing you can do is support them wherever they are, see their pain, acknowledge it, and love them.Don't offer false hope. This one is probably up for debate in the loss community. But I am a firm believer in the truth of the scripture and that God is the ultimate healer. I would advise you not to offer up cliched platitudes ("you'll have more babies", "soon it won't hurt", "this butterfly is your baby saying hello" etc). The truth is that you cannot know the future, and unless God has given you a divine inspired word to speak over their life, you probably shouldn't be telling them their futures.
The only hope we have is in Christ Jesus, through His sacrifice and His redemption of us. This world is broken and we have to live our broken lives in it. Comfort them with the truth of God's character and who He STILL is in the midst of their grief. They may not like God very much in the moment, thats ok, allow them to feel their feelings, wait for the right time. When they ask you for hope, do not fill them with false hope of your knowledge of the world, fill them with the truth of the Gospel.Grieving people need life breathed back into their broken hearts, the only lasting healing comes from God, don't mistake your wisdom for His.
That's it for the first part in our series. If you have other questions you'd like answered or thoughts addressed in one of these posts go ahead and comment below. I'd love to hear from you!
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