From Riches to Rags, and the Glory I Found There

  I remember waking up in the middle of the night and noticing that John wasn’t in bed with me. I went looking for him and found him in the kitchen. I went to hug him but he brushed me off and stepped away. I asked him to come to bed with me but he shook his head and said he didn’t want to be with me anymore. When I asked why, he spent several minutes explaining all the ways that I had failed at showing him love. I was selfish, and self-centered. I was dramatic and overbearing. I didn’t give space for him to be who he wanted. He did not love me anymore because I did not love him enough.  I stared at him and begged him to give me another chance, just one more chance. I had never realized how horrible of a wife I’d been, but I could change. But he refused to give me another chance. He said he’d found someone else, someone who loved him well, and he had decided to love her instead.  And then I woke up.  Nightmares have been plaguing me lately. At first they were somewhat infrequent and th

  I’ve gotten a few tattoos since John died. It’s been very therapeutic and healing every time I’ve gone in with a vision and come out with a permanent scar on my body that represents an aspect of my life and my healing.  But today…today I made some mistakes. And now those mistakes are represented on my body in a very permanent way.  Hard things have been building in my life for weeks. I’ve consistently struggled with deep and heavy emotions, sometimes feeling like they come out of nowhere. Small things have felt too heavy. Minor inconveniences have felt unconquerable. And yet, somehow I was able to truck along. I took care of things, I handled things, I was brave and strong and all the things I needed to be.  Until I wasn’t.  I got an okay tattoo from a man who was rude and arrogant and hurtful from the very start of our session together. There were ways I could have corrected the situation but, honestly, I was incapable of even processing through the kind of emotional pain his treatm

  Once upon a time I dreamed of a love that would last a lifetime and of children that would fill my home. I was so young and so  naive. I was filled with the kind of hope that brokenness hadn't invaded yet. And I loved every part of the journey that was unfolding before me...once upon a time. Once upon a time, my heart broke. I couldn't conceive a child with my husband and, year after year, hope turned to fear and I forgot what it felt like to not have doubts. I was on the cusp of something great and yet I had no idea...once upon a time. Once upon a time my dream came to life. I felt my son move and grow inside me. I dreamed and loved with a man whose legacy breathed through me. A little redheaded boy who loved the sound of engines revving and midnight snacks....once upon a time. Once upon a time half of my world died. A little boy, who never took a breath, somehow stole ours away. Deep grief was tattooed on our souls and the burden of suffering became our companion...once upo