This is just a short testimony I gave at a women's event last week.I wanted to share because throughout the week leading up to it i felt attacked and undermined by Satan. I was in a state of confusion and denial about my self worth and the importance of sharing testimonies. Through my struggles to define this testimony God encouraged me through a dear friend and her prayers and opened my heart to obedience, especially during struggles This year my relationship with God has been deepening in new ways and I have felt myself more vulnerable to attacks from the evil one. In each circumstance God has given me the confidence to overcome them, even as I have struggled to fully comprehend the layers of deceit being whispered into my life. The have served as reminders that my Abba Father is still so very loving and faithful. My experiences this week and the Spirit of strength inside me enabled me to dig deeply into my heart and share what the Lord asked of me. It may be simple and short, but the power of Christ behind it and what He is doing in my life is for more powerful than anything I could describe.
"But the Lord is faithful, He will strengthen and protect you from the evil one." 2 These 3:3
I wanted to share about a name of God that I relate to a lot, which is Abba father. It's interesting to me that Abba is Aramaic for father (as well as Greek for father), so really were saying father father. But I like the idea that Abba is what Jesus would have called God as his father in his native tongue.
I grew up in a Christian home and I was saved at a very young age. I also got married at the young age of 19. My husband John and I had a rocky first two years in our marriage before God really changed our hearts and did some amazing things in our lives that really just grew our communion with him and our relationship together really blossomed.
After our marriage gained a strong foundation and we were really growing we decided to start to try to have children. We struggle with infertility for three years before we conceived our son Kimber.
We learned a lot during our infertility. We could see that it was strengthening our marriage as we grew through the grief of not being able to have children.
God taught us a lot about patience and peace during that time which was beautiful to see in our marriage. It was definitely an extremely difficult time in our life especially since being a mother was literally all I ever wanted out. But our infertility taught us so much about who we are in the eyes of our father and his calling for a lives.
Throughout those years we focused on many verses but Jeremiah 29:11 resounded to our hearts
“For I know the plans I have for you, declare the Lord, plans for welfare and not for calamity, plans to give you a future and a hope.”
It reminded us of our Abba Father, who has the best plan for our lives. Even when it hurts, it is still for good, and never for evil.
When we were finally able to get pregnant it was everything we had ever dreamed of. My pregnancy was beautiful and perfect and we had such an amazing nine months together as a family. When we found out 38 weeks the Kimber had passed away it was beyond devastating. I remember sitting in the hospital being afraid to even talk because it felt like that would make it more real.
During the time of deepest grief our God completely surrounded us with his peace and his comfort. I felt the prayers of so many people overwhelming us and the love of God filling our spirits.
Our time in the hospital while we had Kimber and said hello and goodbye was one of the most beautiful times of my entire life. It was amazing to see all that God gave us that day even though we had to say goodbye to our son.
Every single moment was a precious gift from a father to his daughter and son who had to endure such a tragic loss. I got to see Kimber's red hair and his long fingers and is squishy nose and his tall body. I got to see who God created him to be even if it was just for short time.
We had beautiful moments with our friends and our family that day and I just remember how beautiful it was that we could laugh and smile and experience joy together during our mourning.
I thank God so much for that day and everything that he gave to us to ease the burden of losing our child. It always reminds me of the lovingness of a father to his children.
Our day with Kimber was miraculous. Because it was also a day spent with our Abba Father. It brings to mind the verse in Psalm 25:10
“All the way of the Lord are loving and faithful.”
It a simple statement with simple words, but it is profound. Because it is resounding truth, and we experienced it.
The first Sunday that we went back to church was only four days after Kimber died. We decided intentionally to be late so that we wouldn't be faced with having to talk to so many people, who only wanted to offer love and support, but we knew it would overwhelm us.
On the way to church a woman on the radio story tell a story about her and her son. She described her son's science experiment and how he had worked for so long on it. The whole day and most of the night they had spent perfecting the science experiment and it was great.
In the morning her son woke up and realized that it was raining outside, a torrential down pour. He ran downstairs and frantically said "mom there is a terrible storm outside! My project is going to get ruined, it won't be able to make it to school it will get destroyed by the rain."
He was so upset, and his mother looked at him and calmly said "I knew it was going to rain, son, I saw that it was coming. So last night I put your project in the car so that it wouldn't be ruined."
"I knew it was coming, and I prepared you for it."
John and I were both in tears as we realized in that moment that our infertility had been so much more than a time of growth. It was time that our loving Father took to prepare us for one of the hardest experience in our life. As we look back we can see the hand of God shaping us because he knew that one day we would have to carry this burden and he was going to make it as light as possible for us.
We are so thankful for our time of infertility before we had Kimber, because we were so gracefully shepherded into his loss.
In that time I see clearly our Abba Father working in our lives. As Romans 8:28 says
“And we know that God is working all things together for the good of those who love him, who are called according to His purposes.”
ALL things. Our infertility, Kimber’s life, his death, and every moment of mourning and grief, for our good, for Kimber’s good.
Its been 3 1/2 years since Kimber died. I’m so very thankful for every second we had with him and I have come to even be thankful for his death. It was a process, one that took a lot of dying to self and following the Lord’s call in Ephesians 5:20
“giving thanks always and for everything to God the Father in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ.”
I had to spend months in deep prayer, seeking the heart of my Abba Father and praying for His strength to fill me, because I could not do it alone. But God was faithful and I was able to finally say “Thank You Father, for Kimber’s death”. I prayed Psalm 116:17
“I will offer to thee the sacrifice of thanksgiving, and will call upon the name of the LORD.”
I am so thankful for the grief, and the mourning and each and every way that we have grown and changed because of Kimber’s death. I am so thankful that our father has given us glimpses of HIs good and perfect plan, even if we could not see the whole thing.
I praise his great and Holy Name, Abba Father, because he took two broken people and make them something beautiful again, because he never stopped seeing the future and hope He had for us.
Abba Father is who gives is our worth and our beauty, and we are beyond thankful for His sacrifice to redeem us.
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