I Wasn't Prepared

My daughter went to bed the evening before her birthday and I sat in my living room and thought about our life together. This was our very first birthday together, and the big 13th birthday for her! 

What kind of birthday mom was I going to be? What kind did I want to be? 

If I had any real sense about me I would have been more prepared. I certainly didn't plan well considering it's summer and my girl is around me 24/7. It's not easy to pop into a store and purchase decorations.

I sat there and realized that I hadn't planned anything out besides her gifts. And I just wasn't sure what I was supposed to do. My siblings' kids all wake up to balloons and decorations in celebration of their birthdays. I always thought that I would be the same way, but there I sat, without having purchased a single decoration in preparation for my kid's big day.

Would she be disappointed when she woke up? Would she wish I had made it a bigger deal? Would she feel how truly excited I was to be celebrating her birthday with her? 

I looked in the drawers with all our craft supplies and extra bags and found that I had enough birthday bags and tissue paper, that I'd saved from previous presents I'd received, for her presents. Thank goodness! What a relief that was.

I dug a little deeper and I was able to find some balloons laying in the back of a drawer from a baby shower that got cancelled 3 years ago. I blew them up and spread them throughout the house. Excellent!

I went back into the drawers a final time and discovered an old, almost forgotten, birthday sign that my best friend had made for one of Kimber's birthday celebrations. How perfectly fitting that her sibling's presence be here on her special day.

I sat back and admired the makings of an excellent birthday. I hoped it would be enough to show her everything I wanted to convey.

Sure, presents don't matter, and decorations are frivolous, but they still have the ability to make you feel loved. Because somebody who loves you put in all that effort. 

I sat in the darkness of my home, surrounded by birthday decorations that I’d never planned on using and I was reminded of one of my favorite quotes:

“Way before Zacchaeus wanted to see Jesus, a tree was planted to meet his need.”

I never prepared to adopt a 12 year old 7 months after my husband died. 

I hadn't prepared to love and honor the hurt and trauma in her past.

I wasn’t prepared for how hard it would be to rewrite the brokenness of both our pasts into the redemption story we are living.

But, as it turns out, God was preparing me for every single step of this journey long before I even knew there was a need. 

Just like all the decorations for my daughter’s birthday…everything that I needed was there waiting for me. Brought about by the seemingly random acts from my past. I just needed to reach out and find what I already possessed because of the sanctifying works of the Holy Spirit.

God saw both us long ago and He painstakingly brought about all the things that we would need in order to create our family together. 

Never take for granted the things that you’ve gone through. They’ve shaped you into someone that God will call, or has already called, into great and marvelous things. We need everything that He is cultivating in us. What a glorious knowledge we possess when we remember that He wastes not a single moment of our life here on earth.

And what if I need something more, as I am bound to? Well, I'll just wait on the Lord to provide that too, whenever the time comes.