Today it has been 1 year and 7 months. I've stopped counting the days, and now the time is measured in months. Some day the time will be measured only in years, and then, one day, time will cease to attend my thoughts every day and I will instead measure in moments and events.
But for now, my hearts still counts the months that have passed since my baby died.
It has been 1 year and 7 months since Kimber died and was born.
It has been 1 year and 7 months since I held Kimber in my arms.
It has been 1 year and 7 months since I looked at him and tried to cement his perfect face, and little fingers, and big feet, and red hair, and long body, and sweet lips into my memory forever.
We are no strangers to waiting, or to disappointment, or to pain, or to suffering.
BUT, we also are no strangers to grace, or to joy, or to hope, or to peace.
I remember sitting in our hospital room, holding my son for the first and last time, and laughing. Finding elusive joy in our circumstances. As we commented on red hair like his daddy, and short fingers like his mommy (my sister likes to call them the Fournier Hobbit fingers!), and long legs like the Cunninghams and a cute Fournier (Moran side) nose!
We found so much joy in knowing who Kimber was. We were able to show him to so many people who loved us and loved him.
We gave him away for forever and we were filled with so much peace. Unbelievable pain, but also unbelievable peace. This world is not our home and Kimber was able to go home a little before the rest of us. We were filled with peace that passes all understanding, something we have never fully experienced before and that brought us closer to the Lord than we have ever been.
We don't see his death as the lack of a miracle, We see his death as a gateway to a life filled with miracles, revealed to us by the light of his death.
We have been given so much grace! It is not something that we have deserved but has been freely given to us regardless. When we have stumbled and fallen into regret and resentment, God has given us grace. When we have struggled with jealousy and discontentment, He has given us grace. And when we have looked at the world and needed to see the good again, He has shown us grace.
I sometimes feel as if hope has become elusive to my heart. As I sit and ponder the path my life has taken I wonder if I will ever have children? I wonder if my life will feel meaningful if I am never given that opportunity again? I wonder who I will be? I wonder what if suffering has become my lot in life...am I the modern Job?
But I have hope! I know that what I deserve is to burn in hell. I have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God and I deserve to live eternally in a fiery pit. But that is not my destination. For I have been redeemed! God has plucked me out of the fiery pits of hell and He has placed me in His arms. He has given His son Jesus as a sacrifice for my own wretched sins and He has set me free.
God's grace has given me what I DO NOT deserve and with that He has given me hope. Hope in a Heaven without pain, or death, or tears. Hope that I will see my son again when I am graced with Heaven. Hope that in this life my goal is not happiness or success but my goal is His glory. I will do all things for the glory of Him who made me and has called me His own.
I have great hope in the knowledge that I was not created to be happy by my own standards, but so that His glory is woven through everything I do.
So yes, it has been 1 year and 7 months.
It has been 1 year and 7 months that my son has been experiencing Heaven.
It has been 1 year and 7 months that I have been able to comfort other mothers who have experienced my loss
It has been 1 year and 7 months of being able to see God's handiwork shaping the suffering in our lives.
And now I am 1 year and 7 months closer to seeing my son again and rejoicing with him at the glory and wonder of our Lord.
As I finish this blog it's amazes me how it has turned into something completely different than what I intended it to be. But, isn't that how God shapes our lives?
If our intention is to glorify Him, He will shape it to become glorious.
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