I Can't Have Nice Things

 

I discovered something about myself recently...

I discovered that I'm actually terrified of making new friends. 

I've never actually been that great at making new friends, in general, if I'm being honest. It's always been a joke between one of my best friends and myself, she makes the new friends and I just ride the coattails of her bravery. 

But, before John died, I had actually started making very intentional efforts towards making and cultivating new friendships. I was doing it, making new friends, talking to strangers at parks, inviting them to play groups. Me! I was doing that.

Then John died. And I forgot that I even knew how to make new friends.

Because I shut myself up in my own little world and I stopped cultivating anything new. I couldn't bare it, you know, building something new. Because it took all of my efforts to keep my world alive, I couldn't introduce something new to the chaos that was my world for a time. 

Sometime after life had settle back into a new normal, I made a friend, entirely unintentionally, isn't that funny? I think it caught me off guard because it happened so naturally. We had something in common, I shared some advice about their life's path, and then, suddenly, we were texting each other and sharing about most aspects of our lives.

Have you ever had such an easy, natural friendship with someone? Are they still one of your best friends? Or did it fade away after the friendship had served its purpose? Both are normal and neither better than the other. Friends serve a purpose and it does not always mean that they have to be your friend for life. 

I bet you're wondering how well this friendship is going...

Well, I'm here to tell you, I absolutely bombed it. Because, guess what, I still have trauma responses, and I haven't uncovered all of them yet (yay me..haha).

I shared parts of me that almost no one knew...and I felt the shift in our friendship. I felt the vulnerability that I had held at bay with almost everyone give way. And I straight up panicked. #thankstrauma

I couldn't bring myself to depend on another person again. Because, guys, when someone you depend on leaves you, by choice or circumstance, it's brutal. And, apparently, I couldn't bring myself to be dependent on someone new. So I panicked and ran from the friendship *face palm*.

But don't worry, I did it in a spectacularly awkward and uncomfortable way. Never let it be said that I don't know how to burn bridges *finger guns*. This is why I can't have nice things, y'all!

But, in all seriousness, I'm broken. I have a hundred valid reasons to not depend on people. I have a hundred valid reasons why the vulnerability isn't worth it. I have a hundred valid reasons to avoid pain. It's understandable, my response. It's even understandable that I had no idea that I was doing it at the time. 

But, just because it's understandable doesn't mean that its the right thing to do, or the best thing for me.

So I'm trying y'all, I'm trying to do better. 

Because, everyone leaves, in some way or another. And I can't just allow the fear of being hurt again stop me from living. 

After all, hasn't the very worst happened to me...more than once? And I survived...I did.

I need to remember that this life is so very finite and that my true dependence can only be on the one who is infinite. God wove all this together; the life, the laughter, the tears, the brokenness, the healing. Our family and friends can't hold our world together, as much as we may want them to.

We have to be brave and to take chances.

We have to be willing to lose the very best parts of us.

Because otherwise we never give those things the chance to even enter into our lives.

So, here goes nothing...

Wanna be my friend?

I'm scarred and scared...but I'm still out here, choosing to do the hard things...

*I can provide references*

*Seeeeee....I have friends...they would 10/10 recommend me as an awesome friend!*