This is Me

 

I usually hate the phrase "learning to love myself". In general, out in the world, it seems to mean that you're asking for a pass to act however you want. Because you have to "love yourself". No thanks, I hate that aspect of it.

But I have been confronted with that phrase SO many times during my healing journey. Because I became someone I never thought that I would have the be. My entire worldly identity was rewritten in one moment and, if I being honest...I wasn't happy with who I became. Mainly because loving the new me felt like a betrayal of the old me. Confusing, huh?

It's just such a paradox...and it felt infinitely confusing and complicated at every turn.

I had to be brave and move forward...

I had to be strong and remember...

I had to carry legacies and let go of the past...

No one could tell me how exactly to go about it, and honestly, I felt so very different than the widows who'd walked this path before me. I felt misunderstood and broken and so very very tired. Every single day I woke up in a different world than the day before...because, every single day, I was one step closer to leaving my old life behind.

I do not have the capability to tell you how it must have hurt the people who love me...to see me break away from who I was. They loved who I was...I loved who I was. I just wasn't capable of being her anymore.

A couple of weeks ago I officially erased John's legal presence from my life. I had a trust drawn up to ease the transition for when I do, eventually, pass away (I cannot recommend establishing a trust enough for people in ALL walks of life). That meant that all our property and financial assets had to be changed into my trust's name. Which also meant officially removing John from everything and closing all his business accounts and websites.

It felt like his life's work was wiped away...and I gave the official go ahead to do it. All his hard work and dedication to building Cunningham's Chimneys...gone with just a few clicks and signatures. It felt a little like betrayal as I sat next to my friend and signed the documents and severed him from my life. 

But, I remind myself, a legacy is something you live...not just something you build. And I can still feel his true legacy with every breath of my lungs.

The breath that whispers to "love them like our Father loves them".

The breath that tells me to try again.

The breath that tells me to be brave.

The breath that tells me to love the new me.

The breath that tells me to "give a guy a chance"...because I did once...and it led to the greatest of adventures.

I feel like all the steps I have taken to find myself and love who I found have been brutal.

But I feel like I am truly me now. I am finally my own person, not just half of one anymore.

The tragedy and glory in that discovery is amazing in every aspect.

I am sorry and not sorry that I had to change.

I am broken and whole all at once.

I and joy and grief existing together.

I cannot say that it is always easy to love who I am. But I know that every part of me is fully known and loved by the One who created me and foresaw even this path. And I know that you have taken great pains to love and accept the new me as well.

I am sorry that loving me has sometimes hurt so very much...I am sorry that I am responsible for bringing such heartbreak into our worlds...I am sorry that I have been hurt so many times that maybe you're afraid of my being happy...me too, sometimes, if I'm being honest.

But I wouldn't change my story if I could...and I just hope that I make you proud.

Because, this is me...it's somehow still me.