I'm Not Most Men's Cup Of Tea

If you asked me the phrase that I say most often to men on dating apps it's this: I'm not most men's cup of tea. 

Nine times out of ten, men think I'm referring to my looks. Listen, I may not be a bombshell, but I'm not some sort of troll. And, if a man "likes" me on a dating app I assume he at least finds me passably good looking. So, no, I'm not disparaging my looks to random men on the internet...but thanks for assuming I think so little of myself, men of the dating world. 

I am also not just fishing for compliments from strangers. I decided a long time ago that I wouldn't find my worth in what men think of me, and I still stand by that. But men often think that I'm playing coy and simply try to compliment their way out of a potentially awkward situation. I hate insincere compliments. I get why men throw them out...I really do. But I'm just not looking for a man who says the same generic thing to every woman he chats with on the internet ("your gorgeous eyes make be thankful I can see" *eye roll*).

I actually just hate the dating games that most people tend to play. Dating apps seem to be where the most atrocious people hang out (men and women alike). I don't enjoy wasting my time with someone who I know won't work as a potential partner. I feel like I truly do give men a fair chance, but I have a decent amount of dealbreakers that I simply refuse to settle on.

I don't want to date a man because I'm lonely. I don't want someone just to fill my empty Saturday nights. "Casual" and "just for fun" are not in my dating vocabulary. It honestly never was who I was as a dating woman...and it fits me even less now. 

I'm a woman who goes all in. 

I still believe in love.

I want to share all of me and ask for the same in return.

I want all the hard things along with the good things. 

I want a love that lasts until your last breath.

I refuse to settle for a man who just wants to be "friends with benefits" because he doesn't feel ready for commitment, despite being in his late 30s.

I cannot fathom wanting a man who only uses me for his emotional support but doesn't want to make the effort to be with me.

I will not accept that I must change because so so so many men have told me that I am not worth their time, effort, support, or love because I would not sleep with them until marriage.

I went into dating declaring that I wouldn't change who I was just to fit into some kind of mold that a man wanted me to fit in. I knew it wouldn't be easy to date again...to find love again, I really did. But I don't think I realized how truly brutal the entire experience would be. 

I am not most men's cup of tea...

I say exactly how I feel, and I don't hold back. I try to season the truth with grace, I do, but I will not hold back the truth because it's simply not what you want to hear. 

I am too forward, I'm told. I ask men to make up their minds about me or I just ask them out after talking with them for a while. I try to move forward with boldness and confidence...and, yes sometimes I fall flat on my face. But, my goodness, am I supposed to just cower in the corner until some man comes in to save the day? Sorry, I don't have that luxury anymore. Pain is a part of life, and I just refuse to live my life in fear of it.

I have a lot of baggage. Now, I think we all have baggage, to some extent…but mine always feels like it’s heavier than most people’s. I had a wonderful 13 year marriage to a wonderful man whose legacy I still carry with me. I also loved and lost my infant son. I adopted a pre-teen in the midst of new widowhood and am honoring her legacy in life. I bear all the scars that come with these kinds of tragedies and changes. I take pride in these scars, and I refuse to hide them. These scars show my journey from grief to joy, they are worth acknowledging. But I am certainly not an uncomplicated woman…

I am so deeply in love with the Lord...I know you would think that fact is actually a big bonus...but apparently it's not. Because I expect the same out of any man who wants to be with me. I want a man who knows who he is in Christ. I want a man who's ready to lead a family. I am the head of my family out of necessity...but I want a man who is willing to step into that role. It's a sacrifice...leading your family, believe me, I know, but if a man is unwilling to love his family in that way, I am unwilling to bend my life for him. 

I have been told that I am unworthy of love for so many different reasons...

And some days, some days I wonder if it's true. I know it's not, obviously, but some days, some days it just makes me wonder. 

I wanted to share this ugly side of dating because I want you to understand the things that the single people in your life go through. Dating isn't all it's cracked up to be. It can be brutal and hard and weirdly uncomfortable. 

I have had so many people ask me why I am not in a relationship yet because "you seem so great"?

Why am I struggling to connect with someone?

Why don't I give a guy a chance?

Why are my standards to "ridiculously high"?

Because, I marry for keeps, and I don't plan on bending fundamental parts of who I am simply because it's hard to be without a partner.

Because I am not looking for just any man, they're a dime a dozen out there, I'm looking for a partner...and that makes all the difference.

Because I don't want to have to convince a man that I'm worthwhile...that he should give me a chance...I want a man who sees that in me...a man who can see the future in me. 

People who want to find a partner are not partnerless because they aren't good enough...

They aren't "too much" or "not enough"...

They aren't trying too hard or being too passive...

They're just out there trying their best at dating in a world full of people they aren't meant to be with...praying to find the one person they can choose for forever. 

I'm not most men's cup of tea...and I think I am pretty darn proud of it most days. 

I am happy being who I am. Be happy that they are who they are.

Let's stop asking people to change who they are just to bring about a favorable outcome.

I think, if God can bring about a marriage between a poor widow in a wheat field and the rich man who owned that wheat field...then he just might be able to bring this widow into a relationship just the way she is...if it's His will, of course (don't forget that part, its the most important).

(And so she ended with the most overused cliche known in Christian dating circles)

I'm just a Ruth hoping to find her Boaz...