From Riches to Rags, and the Glory I Found There

Some day...days like today, I struggle . I struggle to trust in God's promises, to believe in His goodness, to hope in His plan.  Because it have been five years, and hundreds of pregnancy tests since we started asking God for a child.  Because with every failed cycle of fertility meds my heart hopes just a little less.  Because two years ago I held my son in my arms and desperately willed him to breath, to live. Because every adoption prospect that falls through reminds me of the lack of a miracle.  Because having to give up the chance to adopt our foster daughter resounded in our hearts likes the final nail in a coffin.  Because we are finally selling the very last of our baby items that we kept saving "just in case".  Because we have suffered.... and we are suffering. This season of Christmas is constantly reminding me of the suffering that our Lord experienced to bring us unbelievable joy, and unrelenting hope.  ...

Today my husband and I, along with some of our family and friends took part in a candlelight memorial walk and service held for Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remebrance Day. I was asked to speak and nervously gave the speech below, for anyone interested ☺️.  My son Kimber Paul Roosevelt was stillborn two years ago on September 4. He was 6lbs and 19 1/2 in long. He had beautiful red hair like his daddy and he had my family's nose. He was the most perfect little boy.  During the most devastating time in our lives my husband and I clung to the Lord and the promises of who He is and what He is doing in our lives.  Jeremiah 29:11 says  " For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. " I linger on this verse often. This is not all there is for us. Pain is not all there is for us. There is a plan, a purpose for all things, including this tragedy, including your ...

One of the most pivotal points in my journey after Kimber died was when another mother of loss gave me some advice. She gently encouraged me to work my heart towards thanking God for Kimber's death.  I talked about to often with John for a while and, eventually, one night during our bedtime prayer I told John I was ready.  "Thank you God for Kimber's death" I felt like throwing up, and I wept in John's arms for a long time. It felt like it went against every fiber of my being, to be thankful for the death of the little red-headed boy who would have called me "Mommy".  God commands us to give thanks in ALL circumstances ("give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus" 1 Thess. 5:18). He requires us to die to our flesh by giving thanks in the midst of our adversity and for the adversity .  That wonderful woman gave me an amazing gift. She pushed my heart in the right direction and led me by...

After your child dies time seems to be measured in relation to the day they died. Today it has been 1 year and 7 months . I've stopped counting the days, and now the time is measured in months. Some day the time will be measured only in years, and then, one day, time will cease to attend my thoughts every day and I will instead measure in moments and events.  But for now, my hearts still counts the months that have passed since my baby died.  It has been 1 year and 7 months since Kimber died and was born.  It has been 1 year and 7 months since I held Kimber in my arms.  It has been 1 year and 7 months since I looked at him and tried to cement his perfect face, and little fingers, and big feet, and red hair, and long body, and sweet lips into my memory forever. We are no strangers to waiting , or to  disappointment , or to pain , or to suffering .  BUT , we also are no strangers to grace , or to joy , or to hope , or to ...

Suffering is no stranger to us. There have been times where I have lulled myself into a false sense of security and I have thought it may have left us. That its grasp weakened and we were able to slip away.  But it has not. Suffering walks amongst us and stays with us faithfully. Clinging to us as if we are it's life force. As if our very weakening gives it strength.  So, no, suffering is no stranger to us.  That being said, I would also say that suffering has been a far greater teacher to us than joy has ever been. Suffering hurts. It's a part of our lives, and it hurts. Nobody likes suffering. Who enjoys to have our worldly flesh chiseled away as we are shaped into a more Christ-like being? But, suffering IS shaping us. It has a godly purpose that , long ago, was written by a perfect composer.  God has written a beautiful melody of joy and suffering that He sings to us in this broken world. Suffering is intertwined with joy, with thankfuln...

Now that the business of the holidays is over and we have, once again, settled into the familiar routine of life, I can write about our Little One. We had her for 35 days. 35 hectic, crazy, wonderful days.  It's amazing how one little girl can make us a family. Suddenly I was a mom again and John was a dad again.  It was beautiful.  Being a foster mom is an experience I wouldn't trade for anything. I absolutely loved being a mom to such a wonderful, beautiful, smart little girl! It was an amazing to blessing to see my husband being a father to her, our parents being her grandparents, our siblings being her aunts and uncles, and our nieces and nephews being her cousins.  And then, in a blink of an eye, she was gone.  I wish she could have stayed. I really would have kept her with us forever. I miss her so much.  Pictures of her fill our home, in places of honor next to the only pictures we have of our Kimber. And they will be the on...