From Riches to Rags, and the Glory I Found There

So much has been going on in our lives lately. I've been wanting to blog about things for a while now but I've held off simply because there is so much I want to say and so much I can't say! Last month we were officially approved for foster care through CSV! Such a blessing to have all the paperwork and home studies finished! We had about one whole day to take a deep breath and relax before we got THAT call! Crazy huh!? So, here we are, a month later, building a family from the broken pieces of each of our lives. It's been an amazing month, and an extremely challenging one. I want to scream at how unfair life has been to both of us.  I want to show Little One that there is a way of life far different from what she has known and teach her the forgiveness and grace of an amazing Savior.   I want to convince Little One that a new pair of shoes or a new jacket does not mean she will never see loved ones again, or that we are replacing someone.  I wish Little...

My beautiful perfect son was born a year ago on September 4.  Trust me when I tell you that he truly was handsome. I did not see him with rose-colored glasses. He was beautiful and perfect.  But he was dead.  It still hurts to say those words (or write them). They seem so harsh and cold. Whenever I have to break the news to people I haven't seen in a long time I try to use gentle soothing language. No one wants to be smacked in the face with tragic death.  But we were. It knocked the wind right out of us.  He was dead. And as much as I secretly begged him to breath, he remained dead.  My sweet baby boy who had moved and grown inside me for 9 months had stopped moving.  Words cannot express what that does to a mother , to a father , to a marriage , to a family .  We celebrated his birthday.  Oh yes! We celebrated it! Honestly, it was mostly selfish. I want to know that he has made a mark on this world. I want everyon...

Hello Friends! We've had a bit of a whirlwind of activity the past few weeks. My sister and I (along with our eager-to-help family members) helped plan and execute my brothers wedding (congratulations Daniel and Crystal!) and... We had our first home visit! EEK! It's becoming real, haha!  The visit went really well (thanks to my awesome sisters, Heidi and Heather, for taking time out of wedding prep to help me!). Our case worker is a wonderful lady who is very friendly. She was so easy to talk to and I'm looking forward to working with her in the future. We have three more home visits that we need to finish before we can be certified, and just a few things that we need to fix/lock up to get the house ready (screens on all the windows, locking up all medicines, locking up cleaning supplies, and just a little more bedroom prep). It's nice to be able to see a light at the end of the tunnel! John and I have been praying about how prepared we should be fo...

I've been very hesitant to write this blog, even though I could feel my fingers itching to write. Writing is hard, about our new scary journey, about hopes and dreams and about heartbreak, because it's all possible. Guess what!?!? Isn't it wonderful!? We are starting on this amazing adventure and let's just be honest....it's absolutely terrifying!  “And whoever welcomes a little child like this in my name welcomes me.” - Matthew 18:5 Just a quick history on our big decision... John and I have been trying to concieve (TTC to our fellow infertility journeyers) since we lost Kimber, so about 10 long rough months. And unfortunately, even with taking clomid again (how we conceived Kimber) we haven't been able to get pregnant. To say it's been difficult wouldn't even begin to describe it, but that another blog post for a other day.  For years we have talked about adopting, always wanting to do it whenever we felt God called us to it. We...

Grace can be defined as "the love and mercy given to us by God because God desires us to have it, not because of anything we have done to deserve it." As grieving mothers we are gifted with so much grace from others.  We have husbands who hold us while we weep uncontrollably and hold us together when we feel like our lives have fallen apart. We have parents who look at us and our loss is mirrored in their eyes. They remind you that we are strong and that they are proud of you...even when we don't deserve it.  We have sisters who weep with us, who let us rage about how unfair life us, and who remind us that they miss their nephew too. We have friends who commiserate with us, and try their hardest to understand and to be there for us. Friends who think life is unfair too.   We have ushers in our church who hug us as we're suddenly weeping in our seats because the sermon is about motherhood, reminding us that we will be reunited one day. We h...

I have really been struggling with this latest blog post. I've been wanting to write one for a while, but I keep deleting the offending words as soon as they escape my heart.  Because lately it's been so very hard to hope.  Life has been pretty brutal on my soul in the past few weeks... I keep waiting for this glorious revealing of hope and joy from The Lord, but it hasn't come. I've been waiting for direction from Him, some sort of leading to His plan, but it hasn't come.  I so desire to do what The Lord wants of me, but I feel no prompting for the Holy Spirit, no lighting bolt, no sign pointing to my path.  And so I am waiting...waiting in this desert place.  I do not say this to explain that I have lost faith, because I have not. In fact, in this dry and thirsty heart, I remain alive and I have faith. We all have our desert places, our times of complete despair, pain, and longing.  What sustains us, in the times in which common sense would have us waste ...

Sometimes we just need to remind ourselves how faithful God is. Because He is. He is  Faithful .     The things He has shared with us through His Word are not empty promises. His words can sustain us and uplift us even in our darkest moments. The promises in His word are something to cherish. His faithfulness endures forever and despite our own failings He never fails.  Because there are days, and we know we all have them, that everything seems so horribly horribly wrong. Days when loss is overwhelming and sadness seems to have no end. And, in the moments of completely confusion and uncertainty we must lean on Him and trust that this too shall pass.  So, when your days are hard and seemingly unbearable praise the Lord for who He is, because even in the darkest most uncertain times, He is always worthy of praise.

Let me start off this post by saying that last night I wrote an entire blog about grief and grieving and then suddenly it all disappeared. POOF! Even though it should have been saved somehow it wasn't and it was all gone. And, for some reason, I wasn't even upset. One of my first thoughts was even "well I guess God didn't want me to post that". But, I did feel like I was supposed to write a post. And what I am about to share with you I really feel like God has laid on my heart. Because I wonder these things, and I struggle with these things and I have hoped that someone would come to me and tell me that I'm normal for thinking them. And I have hoped that I didn't have to speak them out loud because some of them make me feel ashamed. So I am here to confess them first, so you don't have to, and so that you know you are not alone, and maybe so that I know I am not alone either.  So please, read, and try not to feel alone and remember that the One wh...

Changes.....sometimes changes can be completely wonderful things. It seems though, like a lot of things, changes after losing a child can be pretty terrible. But they are inevitable, we go through changes throughout our life and we cannot stop them any more than we can stop the seasons from changing.  We worked extremely hard on the nursery for our first child. And it was so beautiful, and fun...and full of  love. Some days I would just sit in the nursery rocking in the rocking chair holding the little stuffed fox John had picked out especially for the baby. I would rub my stomach and just dream of how wonderful our life was going to be in just a few short weeks.   In some ways it was easier that the nursery was set up for a baby girl and we had a baby boy. Not every part of the nursery reminded me of Kimber, but that didn't take the pain away, for 4 1/2 months after we lost Kimber the nursery just sat there. All the baby items were stored in there, evicted from their pla...

Fairly often, particularly on my rough days, I find myself missing all the things that Kimber never got to experience. Regret is a slippery slope...I do not want to fall into bitterness over "what if"s and "should have"s. So, today is a "Blessing Blog" - of sorts. Let me share with you some of the places that we went with Kimber and some of the experiences we were able to have as a family. Words could not express our pure joy over Kimber. When we announced him to the world their joy was overwhelming. Friends and family cried happily for us, men gave John heavy slaps on the back and hugs. So many people rubbed my belly over the months, greeting him and talking with him from the moment they knew he existed. He brought so much joy, so much happiness, so much love. My sweet Kimber experienced the snow...so much wonderful snow in the few winter months he was here for. I'm sure he knew how much his parents love the snow (especially his Mommy!). We play...

Hello to whoever happens upon this blog post...stay and read a bit...learn something new, or at least something different. We've officially welcomed a new member to our family, an adorable little Labradoodle who we've named Franklin (to go along with the Peanuts theme all our animals have: Schroeder, Belle, Lucy,  Linus). We were on the fence about bringing him home so, thankfully, our friend let us bring him home for a week trial (during which he completely won over my husband, who was against him too begin with!). I, of course, loved him from the very start!  At the end of our week we went away for a weekend and we had a very serious conversation about keeping Franklin. It seems that, after losing a child, even getting a dog is a very difficult thing to do. I definitely struggled with that fact that if we kept Franklin it really closed the door on what our life "should have been". We would never have gotten a puppy if we had a newborn but the harsh reality...