She Hit Me Like A Ton Of Bricks

 

My kid hugged me for the very first time the other day...without any prompting, she willingly wrapped her arms around me and hugged me. We've hugged many times since I brought her home, but always by my prompting, and she has, not one time, had her heart in it. 

And my heart just broke...it devastated me. 

Because I was being a disaster of a mom just moments before. I was frustrated and overwhelmed and I put too much of my own expectations on her. And I knew it. 

It is not her responsibility to regulate me. Nor is it her responsibility to fill my tank. And it is certainly not her responsibility to ensure that I act and react in healthy ways. Those are all my jobs towards her as her mother. 

I overreacted to her typical preteen obnoxiousness (not doing her chores or some such, accompanied by a bad attitude) and I ended up almost in tears because I just felt so very alone in that moment.

I'm a widowed, single mother to an almost adopted pre-teen and sometimes that is not exactly the balm to your soul that you would think that it might be. Real life can be real hard.

I was immediately convicted by the Holy Spirit and I attempted to reign myself in. After I got myself under control, I apologized to her and removed myself from the situation. Geez, talk about a mom fail. 

And then, suddenly, she hit my back like a ton of bricks and she wrapped her arms around me and said "I love you, I'm sorry."

Ugh...it broke me.

She said "I know that you're supposed to have a husband who helps you with all of this...but I can do it...I can do all of it for you."

Oh, kid, look at you, you're a shining star, and you don't even know it. You're the sunshine on the grayest of days...you, just you, just as you are.

I don't need a husband to help me...although I certainly miss mine and all that he was to me, and even have hope for finding a partner again one day. Nor do I need a daughter to fulfill me...although she does in so many ways. 

What I need is a savior for my sinful heart. Because life isn't perfect, and there will always be a reason that life "should" be easier, or simpler, or happier. I need to purposely invest in my relationship with God and enable him to regulate me, to fill my tank, and to teach me to continue to act and react in healthy ways...because that is his job as my father.

I am thankful that his mercies are new every single morning...because I am in great need of them, particularly in my motherhood. 

God spoke our our stories into existence so many years ago and he chose to weave them together, even with all the brokenness and the grief. 

He saw the nightly devotions, he saw the unlearning of unhealthy behaviors, he saw the tears, he saw the laughter, he saw the trials, he saw me teaching her how to pray, he saw the highs and lows and all the buffaloes.

Together he made us into a beautiful tapestry of tragedy and hope...one of my most favorite of love stories.

She hit me like a ton of bricks, and I just never saw her coming...