I Don't Always Want To Do This

 

I wish that I could say that I face the hard things and choose bravery every time. But, alas, I am only human, and I fail at some aspect of faithful grieving every single day. Welcome to the actuality of that...

I don't always want to do this. I sometimes feel burdened by the fact that loss and grief are such a strong part of my legacy. 

God so often calls us to ministry through the very things that have broken us time and time again. And I know that calling so very well, it pulls at my heartstrings and whispers the truth of sacrifice for the sake of others. A sacrifice required for guiding or enlightening others to the honest truths about grief and loss in a gospel centered light. It has seeped into my identity like rainfall seeps into the barren ground. It is something that I have found undeniable, seemingly written on the tablet of my heart. 

But I don't always want to come into this space of grief sharing...

Sometimes I am grasping at my very last straw, and God asks me to choose to offer it to you instead. 

The selfishness of my flesh sometimes wants me to let you fend for yourself and to invest every minutia of effort into regulating my own emotions, building my own walls, protecting my own heart. But when has God ever called any of us to sacrifice others for the sake of our own selves? 

(Disclaimer: I am not advocating for the rejection of caring for your own mental and physical wellbeing)

I am a sinner, and sometimes I struggle with the calling that God has repeatedly laid on my heart.

Because, I don't always want to do this. 

I wonder if it is worth it to pour out my heart and soul to you within the pages of my blog? 

I wonder if it is worth it to bare myself far more than I've ever desired simply to make someone feel less alone?  

I wonder if it is worth it to show the actual deep grief and pain that exists in my world, just so that you might understand grief in light of the gospel a little more?

My fickle heart is not always so sure...

But, I have spent the majority of my adult life choosing to believe that the goodness of God exists even in these moments. The hard moments when we choose to step out in faith knowing that he has called us to something far greater than ourselves. So, despite the sinfulness of my own heart the muscle memory is kicking in, and I find myself pouring my soul onto these pages...

Seemingly for you...but in actuality...for Him.

This is the ugly side of things, where honesty lives and faith seems begrudgingly bestowed. But, even the ugly parts of a gospel influenced life have a certain type of beauty...the redemption of the ashes.

I don't want you to think that I live some gracious life of sacrifice. I do not. Not only am I self-centered at times and have to battle my own selfishness constantly, but I also have so many others who put themselves second and pour life into my weary heart. 

But isn't that exactly what we are each called to do? 

We are called to pour into each other as a Christian community, as brothers and sisters, adopted through Christ. We pour into others and we are poured in to...thus leaving us renewed by the Spirit. A living example of the gospel...sacrificing for others when they do not deserve it.

I humbly thank you for the effort that you each take in investing into my life and into my grief and into my healing. 

Thank you for your sacrifice and for honoring mine in the same way.

I may not always want to do this...but I think that I will always need to do this...and that I will always be called to do this...

For this is the gospel in action.