From Riches to Rags, and the Glory I Found There

I sat with my friend the other day and we started discussing how anxiety has become an unwelcome addition to our lives since important men we loved have died over the last 2 years...because anxieties exist here...in case you didn't know. Are you ready for an uncomfortable widow confession? I do not think that I am safe.  I have not felt safe in a long time. Because I am no longer protected...I am the protector. But I don't think that I know enough to actually protect anyone...and this is the lie that eats at my heart when I am vulnerable. It's not a perfect science. It doesn't make total sense. But it is still at the heart of my fears. I am not the most important person to anyone anymore. And I think I naively thought that I would be able to adjust to that far more easily than I have.  There is no one who can rush to rescue me without a second thought, no one who thinks of me first when something happens, no one who seeks me in a crowd first to ensure I'm there, no ...

  My kid hugged me for the very first time the other day...without any prompting, she willingly wrapped her arms around me and hugged me. We've hugged many times since I brought her home, but always by my prompting, and she has, not one time, had her heart in it.  And my heart just broke...it devastated me.  Because I was being a disaster of a mom just moments before. I was frustrated and overwhelmed and I put too much of my own expectations on her. And I knew it.  It is not her responsibility to regulate me. Nor is it her responsibility to fill my tank. And it is certainly not her responsibility to ensure that I act and react in healthy ways. Those are all my jobs towards her as her mother.  I overreacted to her typical preteen obnoxiousness (not doing her chores or some such, accompanied by a bad attitude) and I ended up almost in tears because I just felt so very alone in that moment. I'm a widowed, single mother to an almost adopted pre-teen and sometimes th...

  I wish that I could say that I face the hard things and choose bravery every time. But, alas, I am only human, and I fail at some aspect of faithful grieving every single day. Welcome to the actuality of that... I don't always want to do this. I sometimes feel burdened by the fact that loss and grief are such a strong part of my legacy.  God so often calls us to ministry through the very things that have broken us time and time again. And I know that calling so very well, it pulls at my heartstrings and whispers the truth of sacrifice for the sake of others. A sacrifice required for guiding or enlightening others to the honest truths about grief and loss in a gospel centered light. It has seeped into my identity like rainfall seeps into the barren ground. It is something that I have found undeniable, seemingly written on the tablet of my heart.  But I don't always want to come into this space of grief sharing... Sometimes I am grasping at my very last straw, and God ask...

  For the first time since John died I told myself that I did not have be brave. There is an ache in my heart that hates myself for it and a shame that lingers in the quiet moments making me wonder if I should force myself to do it anyway. Some of my family is going camping...and if you know anything about who John was, you will remember that he loved camping... loved it. He tried to go as often as possible, he even tried to convince me to go camping for our honeymoon (that was a hard pass). I enjoy camping, but never to his level, I enjoy comfort more. His absence leaves me regretting every camping trip I talked him out of and every vacation we took to the beach instead.  I'm sorry...I could have done better. I could have chosen to be the adventurer that you were instead of being the strings that tied you down. I could have said "yes" more often than I said "no"...I could have...but I didn't. But I also know that you loved me more than you loved camping an...

Do you know how terrifying it is to date (particularly online) nowadays? It's a place where good intentions go to die...and the dysfunctions of the world are on full display and declared to be praiseworthy accomplishments. A place where people hurt each other under the guise of "being true to yourself" and where people act shamefully because they are able to hide behind their phone screens so easily. So often it feels pointless to exert real effort in the pursuit of it. I'll be honest, I had no idea how hard it would be, none. A year ago I joked with my friends that, if John ever left me, I would never date again. Because dating seemed so awful...little did I know how bad it could actually be, haha. And yet, here I am. John left me, and I have found that the pursuit of marriage is still a part of the calling for my life. Please bear in mind that I did not say that "marriage" is my calling...because I honestly have no idea if God has another life partner for ...