This Is Who I Am

 

It is crazy to me that we never really got a family photo. Not one where we were all alive and thriving. Every single one of our family photos represent brokenness and loss. For years John and I took Kimber's picture with us on photoshoots, always wanting to acknowledge our son, despite his absence. 

Now...now it seems so strange that we aren't collectively keeping his memory alive. Now I carry the burden of two legacies all alone. 

A month ago I decided that I wanted one last family photo. One last moment of honoring legacies as I continue to pick up the pieces of this broken life and walk forward. 

It felt like goodbye, one last time. One last representation for the family we were...the one we aren't any longer.

Thank you John. 

Thank you for so many wonderful years of adventure.

Thank you for choosing to love me, and for continuing to choose to love me for over 14 years.

Thank you for the life of our son, for his red hair, and his handsome face.

Thank you for building his legacy with me.

Thank you for leading our family and for consistently seeking Christ in your life.

Thank you for always taking care of me, and for never giving up on anything, or anyone. 

Thank you for never giving me a moment of doubt of your love...not even once, and for always being sure of my love for you.

I am filled with endless "thank you"s and hundreds of "I'm sorry"s.

I never imagined that I would have to find a new life because John died...I never thought he would die before me. I never thought that I would be in the position of redefining who I am as a woman. 

In the past few months I have been doing the hard work of processing through my grief. Choosing to accept my new life, laying down the mantles of "wife" and "mother" and picking up the sackcloth of "single".

Here I am. This is my journey, this is my story, and this is my path. I know that I cannot spend my life railing against the injustice of the hand dealt to me. I can only grieve my losses, accept what I cannot change, and move forward. Because, if I refuse to move forward, I'll only ever be stuck in the grief of my past. And I refuse to sacrifice the purpose of my life to the brokenness of grief. Christ's sacrifice for our lives gives us purpose. Even in grief, the gospel is true and life-changing, a purpose for the purposeless.  

So I am taking my steps, one at a time, whenever I feel ready for them. 

I might get it wrong. I might take some steps too early, or some too late.

But, if I know anything, I know that there is grace in this grieving.

I do not need to be consumed with making the wrong choices or with making choices too soon. I know that my life was ordained long before this, and I need not worry that I can wander too far from Christ. I am not expected to react perfectly, or to walk this path without mistakes.

I only need to seek Christ, and to do the best I can in my very finite understanding. 

This is who I am. 

I carry the legacies of the ones I have loved.

I am broken but somehow still beautiful.

I am nothing and everything all at once.

I am grief and joy, walking hand in hand.

I know exactly who I am in Christ, and next to nothing about who I am in the world.

Join me in this journey...its going to be amazing...I just know it.