Choosing Freedom

How am I? Do I hate motorcycles? Do I regret ever agreeing to let him get one? Do I wish I had made a different choice that morning? Do I want to avoid the topic? Am I broken? Is it worse than when Kimber died? Do I think I'll ever want to get married again? Who am I now? 

Do you know what I appreciate? People who ask questions. I never mind them. I have always been committed to being an open book to the world around me. I believe that genuineness and grace in response to any question can only harbor more grace and understanding. Being open with the world requires you to also be open to the world's responses, be they grace-filled or awkwardly intrusive. 

How could I possibly come on here day after day and share what I'm going through, asking for prayers and understanding, and then reject those who wish to invest in my life and ask questions? Its a two-way street my friends, and its always open. 

Welcome to my journey, it's open, it's raw, it's inspired, and it matters...just like yours. My hard may look different than your hard, but it doesn't mean that either of our stories are less hard. We all deserve support and grace in our experiences. Not because of anything exemplary that we've done ourselves. But because we have been saved by grace, through faith, by Jesus Christ. He has clothed us in righteousness and has given us worth where we've sinned ours away. 

I am a big believer in creating the culture that you desire around your story. However you wish to share, or not share your story is completely up to you. And however you choose to do it is ok. 

John and I decided 8 years ago that we wanted the world to know and remember Kimber, like we did as his parents. So we talked about him, and I will continue to talk about him. It was, and is, no one else's responsibility to remember and honor him. How can we shake our fists at the world for not behaving how we wish when, most times, we don't even ask for it out loud? 

In our family we created a culture of remembering openly. We still talk and remember. This Saturday we will be celebrating Kimber's 8th birthday in Heaven as a family. This is the very first birthday that father and son will actually be together, how incredible is that? How can I wish for John to be back here in this broken world with me, when he is experiencing joy I cannot even comprehend?

We are no longer slaves. We have the freedom of choosing every single moment of every day.

I can choose to be bitter at the harsh blows this world has dealt me.

I can choose to rail against the injustice of it all. 

I can choose to hate the man who killed my husband.

I can choose to live a life burdened by sadness and the pain of loss.

I can choose to hate the world for not understanding what it feels like to lose a son...and then a husband.

But I don't HAVE to choose any of those things. 

I can choose to love the life that I lived with my son and husband and appreciate every moment, and forgo the longing for more moments. 

I can choose to accept that the world is not fair because it is broken and in desperate need of a Savior. 

I can choose to love the man who killed my husband and appreciate that maybe, just maybe, he can be given yet another chance at choosing a life redeemed by Christ.

I can choose to live life with joy, every single day. Finding those moments of joy even amidst the pain and sadness that fills this life. 

I can choose to share my journey with the world. I can choose to spread understanding and awareness. I can choose to be open and vulnerable and accept whatever the world may throw back at me. Not because the world is hopeless, but because the world is broken. And we have to love them by showing them Christ's love. If we aren't here to do that very thing, then what are we here for?

I can choose to believe in the goodness of God. I can acknowledge the hard and awful things of this world, and choose to believe that God is still faithful and God is still working in my life.

Our choices matter, and they can either enslave us in the ways of the world or free us for the work of eternity. 

I'll end with this:

I am doing extremely well, all things considered. I can feel the constant presence of the Holy Spirit renewing and healing me every single day. The miraculous feeling of hope and joy amidst such devastation has been beautiful to experience. 

I don't hate motorcycles, although they do instill some anxiety in me now. I dislike when I see riders without the correct safety gear, and am overly cautious around all riders. But I do not regret agreeing to John's purchase of his motorcycle. It was a thing that brought him joy and fun for many years. Just because a tragedy happened to him, doesn't mean ONLY tragedies happened to him. He lived an amazing life. 

In the beginning I felt like I could have done something to change the outcome of that day. But I've grown to accept that I have no control over the world and I could not have changed John's fate. His time was written on his heart so very long ago.

I am never one for avoiding anything, let's talk about it, ask me your questions, share your stories.

I was broken...I think that the experiences of this life break us often. Its matters what we do with that brokenness, what we choose to bind up our wounds with. Am I broken still? I don't know, do you think we all stay in a perpetual state of being somewhat broken until we are fully healed in the presence of our savior? Food for thought...

I think it was worse initially than when Kimber died. The brutality of John's death, and the fact that I did not have my partner to help me through it was horrendous. But the aftermath, the months since, have been easier to deal with. Grief is an old confidant. I have walked these roads before. I have struggled to learn these turns and potholes. I can feel the muscle memory in my heart reaching out to remind me, time and time again, how I must continue on in this way.

I like to believe that I will get married again. I had an amazing marriage and was loved and loved so very much. How could I not hope that maybe that could be out there for me again one day?

I am a woman with a future and a hope. A woman determined to see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. That’s who I was…and who I still am.