The Words to Healing

I could never begin to pretend to understand the wonderful highs and devastating lows the last 9 months has brought to me. To have such joy and hope and then to have it ripped away in the most traumatic way possible has been life shattering. 

Writing has been the way I process through my thoughts and emotions since I was about 12 years old. So many people talk about how they need to “sit down and have a good cry” but I never feel that, I feel the need to sit down and write it all out. Writing is the pressure release when my heart has just built up so much hurt, anxiety, or trauma. Every single time I have struggled with something in the last 20 years I have gone to my journal and written everything out. I don’t often write when things are going well and I’m content in life. It’s when life is hard that I find those blank pages calling to me. 

It took me 10 days to start journaling again after John died. And I really only started again because my mom told me I should write it all out, that it would help me. Per usual, she was right. 

It took me 10 weeks after John died to finally write a blog about it. I struggled for over a month to get those words out. I had blogged for 8 years about the death of our son, Kimber, and our subsequent infertility and finally our fertility treatments in the last 6 months of John’s life. I didn’t even know how to begin to share with everyone what was going on in my head and heart. So many people were waiting for a pregnancy announcement…

Instead, John died exactly two days after we found out that our 1st round of IUI had failed. 

Our second round of IUI was already in the works.

I had to ask my mom to call our fertility center and tell them we were cancelling all further treatments. 

How was I going to be able to share such hard news, such shocking news, such devastation?

I had no words for a long time, just a longing to write. 

And then, the words finally came. 

And the overwhelming support from all of you guys have been so incredibly wonderful.

Thank you.

Its been 415 weeks since my son died, and 11 weeks since my husband died. And life will never ever be the same.

But I am choosing to believe that it can still be wonderful and filled with joy, sometimes you just have to work a little harder to see it.