The Choice in Grace and Coffee Beans

This world has proven that it has the ability to deal the harshest of blows…more than once.

When our son died I think I unconsciously thought that, after such devastation, God wouldn’t allow such heartbreak to happen to me again. 

And then we struggled for almost 8 years to conceive again. We tried multiple avenues to adopt and were met with so many closed doors. It felt, so often, like a slap in the face. But, at the very least, a somewhat manageable one. 

We had each other, and the love for and legacy of our son lived on in us. We made every effort to remember Kimber’s short life in meaningful ways. After almost 8 years, we knew the legacy we wanted for Kimber, and we knew how we could create it, and carry it on in our lives. 

And then my husband died. 

John died…just like Kimber.

And suddenly, I was so very, very alone. 

My entire family died and left me to carry on their legacies, alone. 

The entirety of my heart rejected the notion of carrying on alone, and I was faced with panic attack after panic attack because “I don’t want to do this”…because I didn’t. 

I didn’t want to have to carry this burden alone. I didn’t want to find the goodness in the heartache. I didn’t want to have to find joy again after losing it for a while. I didn’t want to have to choose hope again, for hope has seemingly betrayed me endlessly these last 8 years. 

It just takes so much work, and so much effort. And I just couldn’t bring myself to face it. So, panic attack after panic attack, I cried and begged for this cup to pass from me. 

But it didn’t.

And then I had to choose to face it.

I had to accept that the most important person in my life had been taken from me, and that I was no longer the most important person to anyone. 

I had to, once again, look into the faces surrounding me and accept that there will be one more missing for always.

I had to look around at the life we had built together and realize that none of it mattered in the same way anymore. 

I had to make the familiar choice to still love God when my life was shattered.

I had to decide to believe in the goodness and faithfulness of God even now, even in this.

Its still the hardest decision I’ve ever had to make, and its one that I have to continually make day after day.

I had to make it when I sat in a funeral home discussing what I wanted done with his body.

I made it when I stood on the stage at his memorial service and said that I chose to forgive and love the driver who chose to get high and then get behind the wheel of a car thus ending the life of the most wonderful man I've ever known.

I had to make it when I spread John’s ashes at the spot he proposed 14 years ago, the same spot we spread our son’s ashes 8 years ago. 

I made it again and again and again. And I still have to make it, every day. It’s the choice of a lifetime, one made daily, in the continual renewing of my mind. 

And I am just so very thankful that there is such a thing as grace, because my heart and mind have failed me so many times in the last 10 weeks. But there is One so much more faithful than I, and I choose Him a long time ago, and continue to choose Him.

Today I chose to make coffee for the very first time since John died. It was a seemingly innocuous task, but not if you knew John. He was a self-proclaimed coffee snob. He loved the science of brewing that perfect cup of coffee with the freshest local beans he could find. And he made me a cup every single morning.

Today I chose to accept the the fact that I now have to make my own coffee every morning…it was only partially a disaster, so I will count it as a win.

Today I choose to remember that there is grace for today and bright hope for tomorrow…even if it’s just precisely measured coffee beans soaked in exactly 202 degree water.