From Riches to Rags, and the Glory I Found There

  "I don't want to do this." I give myself permission to whisper those words into the painful world I find myself living in sometimes. I look at the hard things I have to tackle all by myself and I allow myself the moment to grieve. I didn't want this hard life...I didn't want these hard things...I didn't... But sometimes we simply have to. Life throws everything at us and even if we don't want to, we have to. So, I allow myself the moment to accept that this was never how life was supposed to be, a moment to accept that this is hard and this hurts. And then I do it...whatever the hard thing is...I do it. Because, usually, I don't have a choice. I have had a lot of people ask me why I push myself? Why not ask for help? There are so many people who would willingly step in to help a widow. "The Bible calls us to help the widows and the orphans" they remind me... There was once a time when I was incredibly cared for. There was once a man who h...

Hey Kid... I was reading though the pages of our Mother/Daughter journal and I saw that you'd written something new...and my whole heart just felt like it could burst. I hurt for you and I hope for you all at once.  One day you're going to look back on these early years and you will finally understand everything that went on behind closed doors in order to bring about our "everlasting family". All those questions I dodged or only half-answered. All the time I spent on budgeting and paperwork. All the moments I felt overwhelmed and confused about all the work and legality it takes to make a stranger your child.  Babe, believe me when I say that I only wanted you to carry what I thought your 13 year old heart could bear. I didn't want to lay my heaviness and my hurts on you. I shared them with you when I could, when they wouldn't burden you. I wanted you to be included in these important steps but I still wanted that childlike freedom to fill your soul. The free...

Do you know how hard it can be to live the life my late husband and I cultivated specifically for a future together? All the plans, all the dreams, and all the hopes... He left me behind with all these broken things that he was fully capable of fixing…things I have no idea what to do with. The old water pump he planned on replacing.   The Land Rover he laughed about even as it broke every month and he spent far more hours than he planned tuning it up.   The broken doorknobs that keep adding up.  The ridiculous internet that has only gotten worse the more we try to fix it   The dishwasher that decided to start dying this weekend   …me. I had to figure out how to survive without him. How to fix or replace all the broken things he enjoyed so much. He loved things because they were broken. He loved that they had a history…a story. He wanted to be a part of that legacy. To give something a new life, a new hope.  And then he died…leaving me with all the broken th...