The Thanksgiving of the Taking

 
Here I sit, all alone in my darkened house, having lived through my 34th birthday. 

I did it, I turned the age that John was never able to turn...and I survived the grief that accompanies that deep knowledge...what an incredible privilege.

I have always loved that my birthday was surrounded by Thanksgiving. It's a privilege to have my life so connected to the act of giving thanks. To the gathering of family and friends. To the pick-up football games. To all the Thanksgiving traditions. 

I never knew what journeys God would bring about in my life in regards to thankfulness. I was given so many wondrous years of joy and hope and life...before sorrow and grief and suffering took such a strong hold.

I have often felt like Job, with suffering upon suffering lavished upon my life. And I have sat in the ashes and grieved the deepest of losses...more than once.

And I have been asked to still love...called upon to dig deeper...ushered to give just a little more...time and time again.

I've never claimed to have some sort of superior knowledge of a life of grieving. I have only known what my life has been like and who God has been in that time. I have had quite a bit of grief in my 34 years. I do not believe that you are so unlike me. I know suffering and grief have met you on your path through this world. 

There was a time when John and I attempted to adopt a child. It ended in disaster and heartbreak and we mourned the loss of a child we never knew. I often felt that our grief was invalidated because it seemed like no one understood what we were experiencing. It felt so painful and so deep and somehow it didn’t change anyone else’s world like it did ours.

I remember just wishing that more people would have reached out and mourned with us. I spoke with my friend a few months later and I told her that I felt like an opportunity was missed. I wished that someone would have spoken thankfulness over that grief in our life. I wish they could have seen that the pain we were going through was going to be used for a greater glory and spoken that into our grieving hearts.

I hoped that someone would have shared with us that this, too, was so very good, even in our mourning and sorrow. 

Sometimes we cannot yet be thankful for the hard things, but what an opportunity that is for our communities to usher in that thanksgiving. “I see you, I grieve with you, and I cannot wait to see what wondrous things God is working in your life through this”.

Please understand that I hold no bitterness about this time in our lives. I have never really spoken about it because it is not an issue in my heart, nor do I think it is anyone else’s responsibility to cater to my grief or sorrow. But I do think we all have opportunities where we can do better, see people better, grieve with each other better. 

I do not know where you are at in this season grief. I do not know if this reminder to be thankful is a welcome idea or an additional burden that you wish you’d never read. But I find myself coming back to this blog in deep contemplation over you.

My heart is heavy when I think about the things that you might be going through, and I mourn for whatever has brought you here. Please know that I understand if you are simply unable to be thankful just yet. It is ok if it takes a while, if you just can’t do it right now. I simply encourage you to not let your grief remain stagnant. Because stagnant grief turns so easily to bitterness, and bitterness spreads like a cancer in the soul. 

I am just so incredibly sorry that grief has found you. I am sorry that suffering exists in your life.
But please allow me the opportunity to speak these words over your heart.

If you are not ready to be thankful yet, I will be thankful for you. 

Wherever you may be in your journey, I am thankful for your grief. I am thankful for the sorrow and suffering that you are going through. I am thankful for the promise that God has made to work these things together for your good. I am thankful for the sanctification that He will bring about in your life if you simply yield to His will.

I am sorry for your grief and pain…and I am thankful for it too. These things do not have to be mutually exclusive. We can allow them to exist together.

I am proud of you for doing the hard things. For examining your grief from different angles. For being willing to entertain a different perspective on grieving as a Christian. For desiring to honor God even in your deepest pain. For allowing seeds to be planted even when you are not quite ready for the growth.

You are so incredibly strong and courageous. I see you, I grieve with you, and I cannot wait to see what wondrous things God is working in your life through this.

And this...this is the thanksgiving of the taking...