It is incredible when you look back at the days that have shaped your life. Marriages, births, and deaths have shaped so many lives in more ways than one. But life is also shaped in the mundane days. The days that you don't even remember...but the days that you lived.
Today I am 33 years, 11 months, and 19 days old...
Tomorrow I will have lived more days than my husband did...
John was 33 years, 11 months, and 19 days old when he died.
It seems like such a long period of time. So many days and so many years that added up into such a wonderful life. One that I got to be a part of for 12 years, 11 months, and 9 days as his wife.
John died 11 days before his 34th birthday and 22 days before our 13th wedding anniversary. Sometimes it feels extra cruel that we were so close to those special days but we just missed them. But, even if we had had those extra days, I would have wanted just a few more...any more.
I always told John that I had to be the one to die first, because I never wanted to live without him. I made him promise that he would outlive me. He always said that he would do his best...his very best. I even told him that I would be ok if he remarried..."I don't want to talk about it, because I don't want you to be with anyone but me, but the official party-line is that I want you to move on and be happy".
We would both laugh and he would look me in the eyes and he would say "I'll do my best".
He knew he couldn't promise that he wouldn't die first because it's an impossible promise. But he promised that he would do his best...and he did...his very best.
I am so thankful for all the life that John lived, all the people that John influenced, and all the people that John helped. And I am so thankful that he lived so much of his life with me.
Tomorrow I will wake up and live longer than he was ever able to live.
So, in light of that heavy knowledge, what do I want the next day of my life to look like? The next month? The next year? The next 33 years, 11 months, and 19 days?
I know that I want to live out the gospel every day. I want to show grace and love and redemption in every breath I'm blessed enough to breath.
Because I know, more than some, how precious every single breath is.
I'm thankful that I was married to a man who chose to serve God every day.
I'm thankful that John loved me, however imperfectly, every single day of our life together.
I am thankful that God gave him to me, and took him away, and asked me to keep breathing...keep living.
And I am thankful that every day is a new day. A new opportunity to live out the gospel, to be Christ's hands and feet to someone I see or meet or speak with.
Tomorrow I will live a day that my husband was never given the opportunity to live...and I cannot think of a better way to live that than to:
"Go the extra mile, grab that strap out of the road,
be sarcastic, buy the good one instead of the cheap one,
love when they don't deserve it, go on that crazy adventure,
and always choose to be the hands and feet of Jesus."
-John
Here's to 33 years, 11 months, and 20 days...may it be the best day yet.
Dear Katharine! A very long time ago, I was honoured to be welcome to your home, by you and your late husband. Your hospitality has been cherished ever since and the memories were surrounded by a heartfelt gratitude. I was brought to your blog by a chance today. To learn of John's tragic passing, has been heartbreaking and world shattering. I feel a deep sadness for John, as he seemed to be so full of love for life. I feel a deep sadness for you as the pain you were going through must've been unbearable. I'm truly sorry for your loss. I wish you a life filled with love and kindness upon turning 34.
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