Grief...A Year Later

 

We did it guys. We survived one entire year without John...

How did you do?

How did I do?! It's been rough lately, if I'm being honest. But my sister reminded me last night "it's so much better than it was last year" and she truly knows...because she carried me through so much of it. 

It IS so much better than it was last year. And, for that, I am incredibly thankful. Because I still remember moments from last year so very vividly...and I am so glad that I did not have to experience them again.

I remember the terror when I saw all those the flashing lights. 

I remember the pain when they confirmed that he had died.

I remember the hopelessness that filled my spirit.

I remember being overtaken by panic attacks.

I remember the people who sat with me.

I remember all the tears...so many tears.

"I don't want to live this life without him"

I said it over and over and over again: on the side of the road, in the back of an ambulance, in my parents car, on my couch, in my front yard, in my bed. 

How could I possibly go on living when half my soul was stolen from me?

But I did, guys, I did it...and so did you. We survived losing John. And I am just so very proud of us all. 

It wasn't easy. It was messy and complicated and confusing. But somehow we did it...we did it.

Good job.

Thank you to all of you who helped my broken heart along the way.

Thank you for all the meals, even when I didn't have the heart to eat yet. Thank you.

Thank you for every single card that you sent. I read every one and cherished the words, the prayers, the memories. 

Thank you for your donations. It made the physical aspects of life so much easier while I suffered through the deep stages of grief. I was unbelievably astounded by the generosity of each and every one of you.

Thank you for the patience you showed me as I learned how to stand up on my own two feet again.

Thank you for your grace when I fell again.

Thank you for the understanding as I became someone new and different.

Thank you for loving John with me...for missing him with me...for honoring his legacy with me. 

Yesterday I laid flowers down at the cross that marks John's accident site. I wept for the man who is missing from me.  I wept for the very broken woman I was a year ago.

I went to the space where I buried him...next to our baby son who also left far too soon. And I laid in the grass next to them...and I just missed them so very much.

I laid my arm out and opened my hand, as if John might grab hold of it...just one more time. I felt the sun's heat on my palm and felt the presence of the Lord in the great grief that existed in that moment. The reminder that He is here, even in this, even through this, even now...even still.

I am so very thankful that we survived this past year. I am glad that we didn't give up, and that we chose to keep finding joy. 

I went to visit my parents and I laid on my mom's bed and I wept in silence as she rubbed my back, just like she did a year ago as she slept in my bed with me. 

Afterwards I got up and I walked downstairs to where my dad sat and he told me to talk with him. He said that it was time now, time to look forward to better things. It doesn't mean we won't be sad sometimes or that we won't miss John, he reminded me. It just means that life continues on...and that there are good things ahead. "What's the quote you always say?" he asked me. "For He knows the plans He has for you...". He shared that when he was young and hurting that he was always looking for the answer but that it finally came when he chose to be still..."Be still and know that I am God". 

It's an art, isn't it? Moving forward and yet being still? It's one that I am not particularly skilled at, but I am trying.

I received so many messages yesterday from all of you that were just such a balm to my soul. Thank you.

It was hard, brutal at times, but we survived.

What great goodness and purpose that still lives here...in me...in you... 

Even now...even still.