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A Year Ago, Today, Life Was Perfect...Then June Broke My Heart

 

Welcome to the harrowing month of June. 

I won't lie, I have been dreading its arrival. Last year, today, life was so beautiful. John and I were in such a happy place. 

We were expecting to announce a pregnancy at any moment...

His business was literally booming and he was incredibly fulfilled in his work.

We were very connected with our family, friends, church, and community.

We we were so in love and so very happy...

June 1st 2021 was just another normal day in our wonderful life.

We were preparing for a pregnancy, John's birthday, Father's Day, and our 13th wedding anniversary. Some gifts were already purchased and hidden in expectation of those special days. We even had a little box of hopeful items for a new baby...

June...you used to hold my very favorite moments, I couldn't wait for you to come around every year...

Now...now I wish we could, maybe, skip you...just this once.

Oh June, you broke my heart...and I am just not sure how to face you this time around. 

Please be gentle. Please be kind. 

In a few days I will face the day that John woke up and kissed me goodbye for the very last time. 

And my soul aches. 

It aches for who I was last year on June 1st...

It aches for who I became on June 6th...

It aches for all the grief and all the fear and all the pain that June brought...

I loved so very much.

I lost so very much.

A year has passed and life has someone continued. I've healed and hoped and loved in a world without the very best man I ever knew, even though I did not want to.

I. Did. Not. Want. To.

I did not want to plan his funeral...but I did.

I did not want to write his obituary and eulogy...but I did.

I did not want to bury my husband next to my son...but I did.

I did not want to clear out his things...but I did.

I did not want to move on without him...but I did.

I did not want to do the hard things...but I did.

I wanted to believe that this June would be so much easier than last June. And it is, in lots of ways. But my soul still hurts in lots of ways too.

So, please be gentle...please be kind.

I can see all the pain and grief that rested in my eyes in this picture I took just a month and a half after my husband died. I truly wondered if light would ever enter my eyes again...


So many people are carrying the weight of the world in their hearts, even when you cannot see it in their eyes.

We know that Christ has redeemed all things...but he had to go through the pain first. Redemption doesn't mean life isn't extremely painful. 

Instead of expecting people to carry their crosses with bravery and strength what if we stepped out of the crowd like Simon of Cyrene and helped them? He was called out of the crowd to help a weakened man...are we not similarly called?

I am so very thankful for the people who helped me carry my burdens this past year. And I am sorry for when I refused to let them help. I was just learning my new way through this life...I still am, if I'm honest.

I come here, time after time, just hoping that I can open the door to the understanding of grief a little bit more. Because I believe that it matters and that it will be worth it. 

If we only have the strength to be gentle...and kind.


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