There is a common thread of conversation amongst women who have lost a child, at almost every stage, "nobody wants to bring them up".
Sometimes that is true, sometimes people don't bring up your baby. It's not that they don't remember or that they think your baby didn't matter. They don't bring up your baby because they're afraid of hurting you more. They're trying to respect your wishes and to follow your lead. But, please hear me when I say this, and I mean it in the kindest way possible, it is not someone else’s responsibility to make you feel better. Sure, it would be great if they could instantly know what you needed and give it to you, but they're human, so they can’t be responsible for our happiness.
It's time, we grieving mothers, to end our pity party and realize that we are responsible for our child's legacy, no one else.
In the world we are given a "pass" to grieve however we like. Even if that means we are sinning. Even if that means we blame others for our pain. Even if that means we don't really look at the heart of our own issues.
We are responsible for our own life, own own sins, our own grief. The world tries to give us an out, but the Bible is very clear, as Christians we should not be living in the desires of our flesh.
Sometimes, after a tragedy, we try to give ourselves permission to feel indignant and angry at the world (or at God). Because we have lost something so precious to us, and people are willing to let us deal with it however we want. But we are not supposed to let anger or bitterness rule our hearts.
There is a place where grief and mourning turn to sin and that is sometimes a very fine line. And, despite the well-meaning people who try to encourage you, you have no excuse to sin. In the midst of my own grief, when my flesh threatens to overtake my heart, I am often reminded of the faithfulness of Job in his grief. He lost so very much, but he remained faithful.
It's important to realize that, even though you have gone through this horrible tragedy, you are responsible for your actions and you are responsible for building the culture surrounding the memory of your baby.
Obviously, there will be times in which we sin in our grief, because we aren’t perfect. We are so blessed to have been saved by a gracious God who has overcome sin and will forgive us. So, take heart, He has overcome this world!
Everyone that loves and cares about you are taking their cues from you. If you don't bring up you baby, they won't bring up your baby. They are struggling to support you, struggling through their own grief and pain over your loss, and they just want to help you. If you never talk about your baby, or always become angry when you speak of them, then they won't bring your baby up, because they don't want to hurt you.
It took months, even years, for my husband and I to establish how we would remember Kimber. We never stopped talking about him and about all the ways he changed our lives, and made us parents. Our family and friends took their cues from us. Because we were open and honest about our love and grief our nephews and nieces all know about their cousin Kimber who died and is with Jesus in Heaven. Because we chose to celebrate Kimber, our entire family celebrates Kimber's birthday with us. Because we choose to count him amongst our children others count him as well. Because we choose to take family pictures with a picture of him other choose to see the beauty in our not-quite-whole family.
All of our family and friends acknowledge our son, because we have acknowledged him first and have laid the foundation for his memory. There will always be those few people who become uncomfortable when you mention death, or pain, or loss. But, I promise you, the amount of people who will support you and talk with you will far outnumber the ones who won't.
How are you laying the foundation? How are you remembering you baby? It can look however you want it too, however public you want it to look. You cannot expect others to do it for you, and then get mad when they can't, you're their mom and dad.
Sometimes that is true, sometimes people don't bring up your baby. It's not that they don't remember or that they think your baby didn't matter. They don't bring up your baby because they're afraid of hurting you more. They're trying to respect your wishes and to follow your lead. But, please hear me when I say this, and I mean it in the kindest way possible, it is not someone else’s responsibility to make you feel better. Sure, it would be great if they could instantly know what you needed and give it to you, but they're human, so they can’t be responsible for our happiness.
It's time, we grieving mothers, to end our pity party and realize that we are responsible for our child's legacy, no one else.
In the world we are given a "pass" to grieve however we like. Even if that means we are sinning. Even if that means we blame others for our pain. Even if that means we don't really look at the heart of our own issues.
We are responsible for our own life, own own sins, our own grief. The world tries to give us an out, but the Bible is very clear, as Christians we should not be living in the desires of our flesh.
“When you follow the desires of your sinful nature, the results are very clear: sexual immorality, impurity, lustful pleasures, idolatry, sorcery, hostility, quarreling, jealousy, outbursts of anger, selfish ambition, dissension, division, envy, drunkenness, wild parties, and other sins like these. Let me tell you again, as I have before, that anyone living that sort of life will not inherit the Kingdom of God.” -Galatians 5:19-21
Sometimes, after a tragedy, we try to give ourselves permission to feel indignant and angry at the world (or at God). Because we have lost something so precious to us, and people are willing to let us deal with it however we want. But we are not supposed to let anger or bitterness rule our hearts.
"Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice." -Ephesians 4:31
There is a place where grief and mourning turn to sin and that is sometimes a very fine line. And, despite the well-meaning people who try to encourage you, you have no excuse to sin. In the midst of my own grief, when my flesh threatens to overtake my heart, I am often reminded of the faithfulness of Job in his grief. He lost so very much, but he remained faithful.
"Then Job arose and tore his robe and shaved his head and fell on the ground and worshiped. And he said, “Naked I came from my mother's womb, and naked shall I return. The Lord gave, and the Lord has taken away; blessed be the name of the Lord.” In all this Job did not sin or charge God with wrong." -Job 1:20-22.
It's important to realize that, even though you have gone through this horrible tragedy, you are responsible for your actions and you are responsible for building the culture surrounding the memory of your baby.
Obviously, there will be times in which we sin in our grief, because we aren’t perfect. We are so blessed to have been saved by a gracious God who has overcome sin and will forgive us. So, take heart, He has overcome this world!
“For everyone has sinned; we all fall short of God’s glorious standard.” -Romans 3:23
“But thank God! He gives us victory over sin and death through our Lord Jesus Christ.”-1 Corinthians 15:57
Everyone that loves and cares about you are taking their cues from you. If you don't bring up you baby, they won't bring up your baby. They are struggling to support you, struggling through their own grief and pain over your loss, and they just want to help you. If you never talk about your baby, or always become angry when you speak of them, then they won't bring your baby up, because they don't want to hurt you.
It took months, even years, for my husband and I to establish how we would remember Kimber. We never stopped talking about him and about all the ways he changed our lives, and made us parents. Our family and friends took their cues from us. Because we were open and honest about our love and grief our nephews and nieces all know about their cousin Kimber who died and is with Jesus in Heaven. Because we chose to celebrate Kimber, our entire family celebrates Kimber's birthday with us. Because we choose to count him amongst our children others count him as well. Because we choose to take family pictures with a picture of him other choose to see the beauty in our not-quite-whole family.
All of our family and friends acknowledge our son, because we have acknowledged him first and have laid the foundation for his memory. There will always be those few people who become uncomfortable when you mention death, or pain, or loss. But, I promise you, the amount of people who will support you and talk with you will far outnumber the ones who won't.
How are you laying the foundation? How are you remembering you baby? It can look however you want it too, however public you want it to look. You cannot expect others to do it for you, and then get mad when they can't, you're their mom and dad.
“The point is this: whoever sows sparingly will also reap sparingly, and whoever sows bountifully will also reap bountifully.”-2 Corinthians 9:6
Removing the stigma of the death of a baby begins with you and the culture you set in your life.
We all want to love your babies...show us how you want them to be loved.
You and John are such amazing parents - the love, the joy and the witnessing of your faith and understanding goes beyond. What beautiful blessings so freely given to so many lives that Kimber and you guys have given through the love you all have within Christ Jesus our Savior. Love and blessings Rose Mary
ReplyDeleteI read it. I love it. I knew I would. Thank you for being willing to point out a flaw this culture has and as always, reminding me grief is not an excuse to sin.
ReplyDelete