There are so many stories out there about beautiful "rainbow babies". For those of you who aren't familiar with the term "rainbow baby" here is a simple explanation of the term.
After we first lost Kimber I loved the term. I was so convinced that the Lord would provide a rainbow baby for us and show us that He saw our hurt and was blessing us with the sunshine and hope of another baby.
But our empty arms stayed empty and our broken hearts continued to stay broken. Month after month, negative test after negative test, and still no baby. We did all the tracking and all the meds and still no rainbow baby.
So, where did that leave us? We were in a perpetual state of trying to conceive and were always delaying trips or plans because of "what's ifs" and "maybe thens". We would count the months and see due dates and plan around them because we just kept thinking our rainbow baby was just around the corner.
As the reality of our secondary infertility settled in my heart I struggled with the idea of a rainbow baby. I struggled with the constant reminders that I was supposed to have a rainbow, but just kept getting more storms.
Why didn't God love us enough to give us a rainbow? As I sold of piece by piece of our nursery, our hopes and dreams, why didn't He bless us with our rainbow? Why was I so unworthy of a rainbow when I had faithfully loved and honored Him though our loss?
Being a mother has always been the only thing I ever wanted to be. Growing up in a large family and seeing my loving mother stay home to take care of us instilled in me a great love for children and for motherhood. I never wanted anything else than to be a wife and a mother.
So, the process of accepting infertility and the death of our only child and then infertility again has been astoundingly humbling.
But, the Lord has taught us so much during these struggles. Mainly He has shaped our wills and our hearts to want only what He has for us, whatever that may be. Teaching us how broken and frail our own plans and dreams are compared to His.
In that process, we have been constantly assailed with the "rainbow baby" phenomenon. The constant reminder that the end of our storm should have had a rainbow, that we are still struggling in our storm because He has not given us a rainbow baby. That, somehow, we failed our trial, through storm, because we were not given the gift of a little sunshine rainbow baby.
So, what do you do when a rainbow baby never comes?
You find your true identity. You remind your heart that being a mother is not what defines you, God does. You find your identify rooted in Him and His truths, and you don't rely on the sufferings of your heart to define you.
You focus on Christ, not on yourself.
In doing so you will be reminded that despite the lack of a rainbow baby you have still been supplied with the the end of your storm. You will be reminded that the Lord, Himself, is the light at the end of your storm. He is the faithful Father who watched you through the storm. He calmed the raging seas and called you out to walk with Him amongst the waves.
The end of your story is not the blessing of a rainbow baby or the lack there of. The true ending is the bright love of a Father who is the light that shines through. And, if you look close enough, He is the light you see amidst the storm as well. The very light you cling to that holds your head above the crashing waves.
Never forget that it is not the rainbow that brings purpose and true healing to your storm, it is the Light.
After we first lost Kimber I loved the term. I was so convinced that the Lord would provide a rainbow baby for us and show us that He saw our hurt and was blessing us with the sunshine and hope of another baby.
But our empty arms stayed empty and our broken hearts continued to stay broken. Month after month, negative test after negative test, and still no baby. We did all the tracking and all the meds and still no rainbow baby.
So, where did that leave us? We were in a perpetual state of trying to conceive and were always delaying trips or plans because of "what's ifs" and "maybe thens". We would count the months and see due dates and plan around them because we just kept thinking our rainbow baby was just around the corner.
As the reality of our secondary infertility settled in my heart I struggled with the idea of a rainbow baby. I struggled with the constant reminders that I was supposed to have a rainbow, but just kept getting more storms.
Why didn't God love us enough to give us a rainbow? As I sold of piece by piece of our nursery, our hopes and dreams, why didn't He bless us with our rainbow? Why was I so unworthy of a rainbow when I had faithfully loved and honored Him though our loss?
Being a mother has always been the only thing I ever wanted to be. Growing up in a large family and seeing my loving mother stay home to take care of us instilled in me a great love for children and for motherhood. I never wanted anything else than to be a wife and a mother.
So, the process of accepting infertility and the death of our only child and then infertility again has been astoundingly humbling.
But, the Lord has taught us so much during these struggles. Mainly He has shaped our wills and our hearts to want only what He has for us, whatever that may be. Teaching us how broken and frail our own plans and dreams are compared to His.
In that process, we have been constantly assailed with the "rainbow baby" phenomenon. The constant reminder that the end of our storm should have had a rainbow, that we are still struggling in our storm because He has not given us a rainbow baby. That, somehow, we failed our trial, through storm, because we were not given the gift of a little sunshine rainbow baby.
So, what do you do when a rainbow baby never comes?
You find your true identity. You remind your heart that being a mother is not what defines you, God does. You find your identify rooted in Him and His truths, and you don't rely on the sufferings of your heart to define you.
You focus on Christ, not on yourself.
In doing so you will be reminded that despite the lack of a rainbow baby you have still been supplied with the the end of your storm. You will be reminded that the Lord, Himself, is the light at the end of your storm. He is the faithful Father who watched you through the storm. He calmed the raging seas and called you out to walk with Him amongst the waves.
The end of your story is not the blessing of a rainbow baby or the lack there of. The true ending is the bright love of a Father who is the light that shines through. And, if you look close enough, He is the light you see amidst the storm as well. The very light you cling to that holds your head above the crashing waves.
Never forget that it is not the rainbow that brings purpose and true healing to your storm, it is the Light.
"Jesus again spoke to them, saying 'I am the Light of the world; he who follows Me will not walk in the darkness, but will have the Light of life.'" -John 8:12
"The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it." -John 1:5
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