John Died...2 Years Ago

 

John Died...2 years ago.

2 years...how has so much time passed?

It feels like just yesterday I was writing about the 1 year anniversary of his death, congratulating all of us for surviving the brutality of that first year. Regardless, it feels like now is a good time to throw out some life updates, talk about how life as a 2nd year widow is going.

It's great...definitely great...well, it's ok...sometimes it's ok...actually sometimes it's awful...it's always awful...no, no, it's usually fairly good...sometimes it's amazing. I guess it really just depends on the day...

I no longer reach out in the middle of the night for him.

I don't grab my phone to text him about something that just happened.

I don't look for him in a crowd.

I don't struggle to fall asleep alone.

I don't even dream about him anymore...

It would seem, that even my subconscious has truly accepted that he's gone. That's good...right? He is no longer a part of any of my habits or my routines. And I've had to break old traditions and develop new ones that don't involve him...for two years now.

It almost sounds like betrayal doesn't it? To let so many things he loved fall by the wayside...to intentionally walk away from memories or old patterns of doing things. 

But, here's the thing I keep reminding myself. He's dead. John is dead. He doesn't care about any of these things anymore. He doesn't care how hard he worked on something, how much joy it brought it him, how hard something was, how long he waited. He. Doesn't. Care. 

Because he's living a perfect life in Heaven. He experiences no sin, no shame, no struggle, no worry, no grief. He is everything he was ever meant to be in the presence of our Lord and Savior. And he just doesn't worry or even care about the things here on earth. 

I oftentimes put a pressure on myself to do things the way he would have done things, or to act the way he would have acted, or to love the way he would have loved. But, the truth is, I am simply not him...and I could drive myself crazy trying to live up to the standards he set. Particularly because, after someone dies, the standard seems to grow so much greater than it ever was when they were here.

Let's not forget that that wonderful, amazing man was late to every single function in his life unless it involved an early morning breakfast...and even that wasn't a guarantee. 

I don't idolize his memory...and I wouldn't advise that you do either. As much as I loved him, and was loved by him, he was a sinner in need of a savior. As am I.

And, honestly, sometimes John was a butthead...

Carrying legacies is all about remembering and honoring the actual legacy...not the one you create or polish up for the sake of a good memory. 

John was a sinner, but he was a sinner who really, really loved Jesus. 

And the fact that God can take a sinner like John, or a sinner like me, and create someone wonderfully, amazing...now that is truly a legacy worth remembering. 

So, if this gal, who just embarked on her third year of widowhood, has anything to say about the whole process of widowhood let it be this:

-It is ok if you mess up. point blank...It. Is. Ok.

-Find things that bring you joy, however big or small, and do them.

-Remember the wonderful past...but don't live there.

-Surround yourself with people who point you to Jesus.

-Nobody knows how you're actually doing except for you...so share with people.

-Just laugh...find reasons and spaces to laugh. Everyone always reminds you that its ok to cry (rightfully so) but we forget that its also ok to laugh.

-Call your dead husband a butthead sometimes. It helps, trust me. 

Well, here's to year 3!

Is that a thing? Cheering to a year of widowhood? I mean, I'm hoping its better than last year...so, yes? Yes...here's to year 3!