I See The Pharisee...

 

I find myself often reminded by the Holy Spirit that I am not some paragon of living a life of grief well. I wouldn't say that I struggle a lot with the mentality that I am...but I know that I could...if I just gave myself a little leeway. If I just gave myself a little too much grace...I could see the pharisee in me.

The pharisees of the New Testament relied on all the traditions and all the laws and all the order that God set in place to bring about connection prior to the coming of the Messiah. They relied so heavily on "checking the boxes" that they rejected the man who was sent to save them. They puffed up their chests with pride and relied on the letter of the law...completely forgetting the heart of the law. The heart that beat inside the chest of the very man they chose to hate.

I want to live a good life. I want to do the right things. I want to follow the perfect order of things that God laid out for us in the Bible. The pharisee in me wants to check off all the boxes that comfort my legalistic heart. Wants to proclaim that I did this...I rose above this...I became better...did more...chose well.

I see the pharisee in me...

So I choose to do something about it. Instead of allowing that false narrative to take root in my heart I choose to reject the notion that I have brought anything to the table on my own. I choose to embrace the weakest and most broken parts of myself and I offer them up to the Lord as the reminder that I am nothing...and He is everything. 

I am weakness personified. And I come to these pages time and time again and I choose to share those weaknesses with you. To remind you as well...there is a pharisee, a sinner, in me...and I have only made it this far, done this well, become this healed, because of everything that Christ has woven into me.

I don't want my story to come off as some sort of example of what happens when you "make all the right choices". Because that idea is a fallacy that only exists in this world to tear down and diminish the sinner, the broken, the grievers of the world. And if we know anything at all about the gospel of Jesus Christ, it's that it was never given to us to diminish us. The gospel was given to rebuild us...redeem us...to bring us out of the mire and to crown us in righteousness. 

We can make good choices, healthy choices, sinless choices, don't me wrong. But that is not what truly separates us from the world.

If you really sit down and think about it, there is very little that actually separates me from the man who killed my husband...

We are both devastatingly broken people living in an even more broken world.

The pharisee in me could point out all the "bad" choices he made that led him down his path...and all the "good" choices I made that led me to mine.

But, when it really comes down to it...to our hearts...Jesus is the thing that truly separates us...truly makes us different. 

I am filled with hope, and purpose, and love, and redemption because of Christ's sacrifice on the cross, and my acceptance of that. 

He could be too, if he but took a moment and surrendered his life.

I stand by the conviction that God would forgive him for killing my husband...if he cried out to him...if his heart was changed...truly surrendered.

God forgives the sinner...the addict...the murderer...

Even the pharisee in me sees that.

I am so very thankful that God saw the pharisee in me and chose to believe that I was worth saving. Because in His eyes, in the eyes of the law my heart longs to cling too, I am just as guilty as the addict...as the murderer. I am still just as much in need of a savior on my best day as I ever was on my worst day. 

Because all sin is equally damning...although not equally damaging (Mark Driscoll).  

So I will spend my life reminding the pharisee in me to lay aside the letter of the law and to embrace the heart of the law, for there is goodness and purpose in the heart of the law. The heart of a loving Father who wove redemption into our broken stories to bring us back to Him. 

Join me in embracing the weakness, for in it, His power is made perfect.

I see the pharisee in me, y'all, it just doesn't have to define any part of my story...