From Riches to Rags, and the Glory I Found There

  I have a deep heart check every single time I pass a motorcycle on the road. I stop whatever I'm saying or thinking and I take a moment to acknowledge the rider. I watch them. I look at their bike. I catalogue their protective gear (or lack thereof). I take a moment to take it all in and I make sure that I really see them. And then I pray the same prayer for each and every one of the riders I see. "God, please let them make it home ." Because one day, a driver didn't see my rider...and he didn't make it home .  None of them will ever know, the prayers said on their behalf, in memory of the greatest tragedy of my life. But I will always remember the day that my husband stopped living, and I continued on in his absence. And I would never wish that on anyone. So every time...I pray that they make it home . I remember walking through the halls of my very empty home and wondering where the spirit of life had disappeared to. How could these walls no ...

My daughter went to bed the evening before her birthday and I sat in my living room and thought about our life together. This was our very first birthday together, and the big 13th birthday for her!   What kind of birthday mom was I going to be? What kind did I want to be?  If I had any real sense about me I would have been more prepared. I certainly didn't plan well considering it's summer and my girl is around me 24/7. It's not easy to pop into a store and purchase decorations. I sat there and realized that I hadn't planned anything out besides her gifts. And I just wasn't sure what I was supposed to do. My siblings' kids all wake up to balloons and decorations in celebration of their birthdays. I always thought that I would be the same way, but there I sat, without having purchased a single decoration in preparation for my kid's big day. Would she be disappointed when she woke up? Would she wish I had made it a bigger deal? Would she feel how truly ex...

  I've wondered how long it might be until family photos finally feel like there isn't someone missing...  It's been almost 9 years since my son passed away...and I still feel his absence in every family photo. Every time someone mentions the "whole" family...my heart still knows he's missing from me.  I've wondered if it will ever feel normal that John no longer exists in these precious memory keepers? I've discovered that 9 years isn't enough time for absence to be normalized. Maybe 10 years is the magic number? Maybe 15? Someone please tell it that it's better by year 20... Anybody...? Please? My brother got married this past weekend and it was such a beautiful and wonderful wedding. I was so thankful for the opportunity to watch them vow to spend their lives together. But half of my little family was missing...and I felt their absence deeply.  I'm sorry that I am the reason our family will never be "whole". I'm sorry that ...