I Am Damaged Goods

I have made intentional efforts to make sure that I evaluate myself frequently. I really want to make sure that I am looking at myself for who I truly am. Not for who I long to be, not for who others desire me to become, and not for who the outside world might perceive me to be.

I evaluated myself this week, in the wake of rejections, in the process of repeatedly trying and failing, in the constant rebuilding of a new life. I saw all the not-so-pretty parts, the amazing parts, and the healing parts. 

And I just kept thinking "I am damaged goods."

Please do not read this as a cry for help or as an insincere call for compliments. I know I am well-thought of and loved by so so many people. It is just a fact I choose to accept about myself. Not in self-pity or bitterness, but in the simple truths that exist in my world. Damaged goods...less, more, not enough...all at once.

I am indeed less than I was before. Less reliable, less helpful, less encouraging, less trusting, less desirable, less...I am simply less. 

I am indeed more than I was before. More self-centered, more baggage, more judgmental, more mistaken, more lonely, more...I am simply more.

I am indeed not enough. Not enough for my daughter, not enough for my family, not enough for my friends, not enough for a partner, not enough...I am simply not enough.

So, yes, I am damaged goods. I welcome it into my identity that exists in this new life. The one that is constantly reshaping and redefining itself as I become the me I want to wake up and see every morning. 

But what does it mean to be damaged goods in this modern world? 

Are we damaged people supposed to band together and demand that the world accept "less" from us? 

Shall we declare that damage isn't truly damage and that "more" is better?

Is there a way we can convince others that "not enough" is somehow still enough?

I have been seeing so many people embracing the ideal "if I am too much, go find less", and my heart wants to latch on to it. I have been told for much of my life that I am "too much". For years I did curb myself, I did make myself less. But I have not done it for so long that I had almost forgotten what that felt like, the desire to be less for the sake of someone's acceptance. Losing a partner does, in fact, damage something in you. The stability of acceptance I had was damaged after John's death. 

I think I naively went into the world of dating fully expecting to be able to feel free in being myself. I naively jumped into parenthood thinking that who I am would be enough for everyone. (If you are someone who needs to be taken down a notch or two, online date for a few months and then adopt a teen...its gets real, real fast).

I am not saying that I "became less" for men, or became a different person for my daughter, or for the other people around me. But, I am saying that I felt that temptation creep back in. Because I am, in fact, damaged goods. 

I am "less" than I was before and so much "more" in equally hard ways and I know that I will always be "not enough".

But, what does it mean to be "damaged goods" in light of the gospel? Let's forsake the world's view for a moment and really evaluate the gospel truth in light of the damage the world and our own sinfulness inflicts on us. 

There is not one Bible verse where God encourages us to see ourselves differently than who we really are. There is not a single moment of scriptural truth where God does not call out sin by name and declare it as evil. There is no sugar-coating in the gospel. There are simple truths: we are sinners, we are damaged goods, we are less holy, more sinful, and not enough for Heaven. How can we be forgiven if we do not first accept those truths about ourselves?

But, the power of the gospel is that God, in fact, saw those very things about us and He chose to love us anyway. He saw how we were so much less than He designed is to be. He saw that we were so much more sinful that He designed us to be. He saw that we were not enough for the life He designed us for. 

So He rescued us. 

We deserve a life spent in suffering and to end up in the broken pit of hell, because we earned it, fair and square. 

But, He rescued us. 

He looked at damaged goods and He thought that we were worth the sacrifice. He gave us that worth. 

So, in light of the gospel, we can find that these truths exist. We are less, we are more, we are not enough...all at once...and God still chose to made it good. 

And, if we truly rest in that good news, then we can see the redemption that works through the Holy Spirit in our lives. We can see where our identity truly lies, in the heart of our Savior, not in a world where we praise our own sinfulness and deceptively rename it "strength". 

We do not need to be all things to all men, because that is who God is. And if we consistently seek to fill that hole in others then we will consistently be not enough. We also do not need to find our identity in the heart of men because God has adopted us into His family, naming us co-heirs, establishing our identities in Him. And if we consistently ask the world to tell us who we are then they will consistently tell us we are more or less than they expect of us. 

Perfection is an unattainable concept. Because our fickle, sinning hearts cannot achieve the standard set before us. So, we are left in this world as damaged goods, promised the achievement of perfection only when we a reunited with our Father in Heaven. 

Not because of anything we've done, but because, long ago, there lived a perfect man, who was not less, or more, but exactly enough. And he sacrificed His life for us.

So yes, I am damaged goods, I think I have always been. And it turns out, it simply doesn't matter when unconditional love exists and where the Holy Spirit lives. And I am so very glad that I chose that to be my story.