From Riches to Rags, and the Glory I Found There

I have made intentional efforts to make sure that I evaluate myself frequently. I really want to make sure that I am looking at myself for who I truly am. Not for who I long to be, not for who others desire me to become, and not for who the outside world might perceive me to be. I evaluated myself this week, in the wake of rejections, in the process of repeatedly trying and failing, in the constant rebuilding of a new life. I saw all the not-so-pretty parts, the amazing parts, and the healing parts.  And I just kept thinking "I am damaged goods." Please do not read this as a cry for help or as an insincere call for compliments. I know I am well-thought of and loved by so so many people. It is just a fact I choose to accept about myself. Not in self-pity or bitterness, but in the simple truths that exist in my world. Damaged goods...less, more, not enough...all at once. I am indeed less than I was before. Less reliable, less helpful, less encouraging, less trusting, less desir...

Today I did an incredible thing. I dropped my daughter off at school for her very first day. I almost cannot even believe that this is my life. What goodness still exists in the world of grief, if we only have the courage to see it? As I drove home from leaving half of my heart in that school building, I passed by the place where John died so many months ago. and I was enveloped in flashbacks of that day. Deputies in shades of brown, squatting beside me when I fell to my knees. Me, crying "we were supposed to have a baby!" Flashing lights. No final good-bye. Not even one last "I love you". Only silence from the one person I loved more than anyone else on earth. I've been there before, you know. When I gave birth to our perfectly formed little son, over 8 years ago. He was so beautiful, so perfect. And I just begged him to breath.  But there was no breath. No glorious cry. No miracle. Only silence from the one person I loved more than anyone else on earth.  I tho...