I don't know if I even have the words to describe my current state of life.
It's been incredibly amazing in its unfolding.
It's been completely surreal in its beauty.
And it's been heartbreakingly hard in its entirety.
I think there was truly a time when I chose to stop believing in miracles. Because the brutality that happens when supposed miracles fall apart is almost unbearable. And I have had my fair share of broken miracles. Just look at my blog from a year ago. What an incredible miracle! And yet, two days after our first IUI cycle failed, John was killed in a motorcycle accident. Why bring such hope only to have such devastation take its place?
I have welcomed grief into my heart time and time again. And it is so tiring...so heartbreaking. Some days I would hang my head and ask "can this please pass from me?" I identified with Jesus so much in those moments. Asking the Lord for a reprieve from such devastation. But it did not pass from me. And I had to choose to embrace it, or let it consume me.
In light of the grief of my life, in remembering those moments where I felt like Job in all his suffering, I can see the mighty hand of God shaping me. Making me something that I could never have been without being broken again and again.
I wanted to be whole. I wanted to live a life without devastation or grief. I wanted to not need anyone else to take care of me, to uphold me. I wanted to have my fairytale ending. Don't we all?
But, would we have any growth? Would we have any redemption? Would we pretend that our need for a savior doesn't exist? Would the true heart issues hidden down deep ever be brought to the surface? Probably not. Because we could convince ourselves so easily that the surface happiness of this life can satisfy the longing in our hearts that only God can satisfy.
There comes a time, amidst suffering, when we come to a place where we can see some of what God is doing. We can see His glory and his wondrous love. This is not an understanding of the suffering, rather it's an understanding of our God. We cannot ever fully understand His reasoning behind our suffering. But we can understand Him, and who He is behind our suffering.
With that in mind, I find myself, miraculously, and so suddenly, the mother of a 12 year old girl.
7 and a half months after my husband died, I welcomed a child into my life. In a way that I never truly dreamed would be possible.
I received a text 3 days before Christmas, asking if I was interested in adopting a 12 year old girl. I cannot tell you in a way that makes sense, but the Spirit was with me, and filled me with surety and I didn't even hesitate. Within an hour I was on the phone with some wonderful Christian ladies, discussing this little girl. We all said the same things: This is incredible. How is this even happening? How could God have moved so quickly?
And then they said the most beautiful words "She was always meant to be yours. You're her mom. God worked this all out so that you could be her forever Mom. We just know it."
I want to be clear. It doesn't make sense. It shouldn't work like this. I shouldn't just suddenly have a daughter 5 days after getting that phone call. It should not have worked out so perfectly and so quickly.
But it did.
And I am here to remind you, we either believe that the Holy Spirit moves in incredible and miraculous ways, or we do not.
This doesn't mean that it's not incredibly hard. It doesn't mean that my daughter has not been hurt and left broken time and time again before she came to me. It doesn't mean that we saw each other and connected immediately. It doesn't mean that she fully trusts me. It doesn't mean that she believes me when I tell her that this truly is her forever home, and that I am never going to let her go. It doesn't mean that I don't understand the reality of a broken child and a broken widow making a life together.
She was a child without a mother...and I was a mother without a child. It's as devastatingly simple and as beautifully complicated as that.
All the sacrifices I must make in order for her to live a happy, healthy, and loved life will be a million times worth it. If we are not called to die to ourselves for the sake of others, especially orphans, what are we called to?
I know better than most, that God calls us to hard things sometimes. And I ask that you come beside us in this. I ask that you see us. I ask that you embrace our brokenness and that you see the beauty in it too. I ask that you honor the hard and you pray for the sad.
“When we adopt—and when we encourage a culture of adoption in our churches and communities—we’re picturing something that’s true about our God. We, like Jesus, see what our Father is doing and do likewise (John 5:19). And what our Father is doing, it turns out, is fighting for orphans, making them sons and daughters.” - Russell D. Moore
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