The Amazement of 2021

As the last few days of 2021 come to a close I find myself in an almost constant state of contemplation over the happenings of such a tumultuous year.

And I am amazed.

At the start of 2021 we were gifted with funds to pursue fertility treatments. And, when those funds ran out, our community surrounded us and raised even more funds to support our dream of having another child. I cannot begin to tell you how incredible it is to see family, friends, and strangers donate to give us the opportunity to have a child. We were covered in prayers, encouragement, and hope by hundreds of people. Our hearts were humbled and our spirits were so very bright. We spent 8 years, after the death of our son, waiting for such an opportunity, and suddenly it was upon us. The glory of God was so very evident in how He laid out such magnificent works. 

And I was amazed.

When June started, John and I had already experienced a few vacations, some of our favorite holidays, and so much laughter and joy. Hope was bursting from our hearts and our home was happy and peaceful. 

And then he died. My partner of 13 years left this world without any warning. 

My world was broken beyond recognition and I was left devastated and shattered on the ground. But only for a moment, before my community surrounded me, protected me, and carried me. So many people stepped up, and stepped in. I was cared for beyond anything I could have imagined. They lifted me off of that cold, hard ground, and the Lord breathed new life into my lungs. They set aside their own grief in order to help me embrace mine and then they had to face theirs without my help. The love and respect that everyone felt for John was so palpable and present in everyone's remembrance of him. It helped create a legacy that I could never have imagined. A legacy that continues to live on, in my life as his widow, in our nieces and nephews, in our parents, in all our siblings, and his many friends. The glory of God was on full display, in the actions of those who loved Him, who loved us. They were the hands and feet of Jesus to me, and my family, every day. 

And I was amazed.

I faced a life without John and, even in the brokenness, I chose to believe in the goodness and faithfulness of our heavenly Father. Not because I have any sort of power by my own means, but because the Holy Spirit lives inside of me. Through that Spirit, I was given the freedom to shed the sackcloths of bitterness and regret and embrace the joy of the Lord. For every tragedy I faced in the second half of 2021, I was given the grace to meet it, embrace it, and conquer it. Every holiday, every memory, and every tradition that came up I saw as another opportunity to find the hope and joy amidst the grief. It hasn't always been easy, but it has always been worthwhile. A shining example of how God's glory is not always just in the good things, but in the hard things as well, in the broken things. 

And I was amazed.

I know that life is not simply a series of broken moments tied together with a bow of salvation. I know that there is truly a hope of joy and peace in this troubling world. I know that because I have lived it in so many moments. I have faced devastating grief and I have seen that it doesn't have to have power over my view of the world I must continue to live in. It cannot claim my tragedy nor my victory. I know that I can still see the goodness of the Lord in the land of living. There have been countless moments where we have all laughed and cried over memories surrounding John. So many instances where we have all embraced and encouraged his legacy. I have felt the glory of the Lord shining over us, like the sun on a hot summer day, present, even when it seems like the clouds have obscured it. 

And I have been so amazed.

Because Christ did not leave me alone in my brokenness. He welcomed my husband into his heavenly home and then he carried me as I mourned so grievously. He blessed my life with the love and partnership of an incredible man, and then he blessed my life with healing and hope after that man's death. How often we all wish that we could avoid the broken parts of this world. And yet, without such brokenness we would never be able to fully experience God's glory. And His glory is truly worth experiencing. Because that very glory looks at the devastation of our hearts and comes in and not only renews it, but redeems it. God's glory makes it even better than it was before. In the eternal dance of forgiveness and redemption we are partnered with the son of God, sanctified through His death, and made alive in Him. And I can think of no better way to honor such a sacrifice that to choose to live in honor of the amazing, life-altering, glory that shines from our God like the rising sun, effecting everything it touches, illuminating all that is within its reach.

We can choose to step out of the darkness we have allowed to enter our lives, inch by inch, into the rising sun of the one glorious God who shapes our lives into a powerful story of redeeming love. 

And that...that has me so incredibly amazed.