The Wounds of Miracles

I want to start this blog off by saying that this has not been an easy thing to share. It is good news, amazingly so, and yet, my guarded heart reminds me that we have had "good news" before and have been left even more broken because of it's duplicity. Made even worse, seemingly, because we have shared with so many. It is never easy to be vulnerable, it’s hardly enjoyable, and rarely a pleasure. And yet, every time we have been led to share, especially in those times of deep brokenness, God has been faithful to work a new legacy into our hearts.

So, here goes nothing…or everything...

10 days before Christmas I was scrolling through Instagram and came across this photo. It wasn’t from anyone I knew, and wasn’t even “liked” by anyone I followed, it was pure happenstance. I’m sure you can tell why it immediately caught my attention and drew me in to read the caption.

The account “Good Grief Journals” was running a Christmas fundraiser to help a couple struggling with the medical costs of infertility. “How awesome!” I thought, and I shared it in my stories and never thought about it again. 

The day after Christmas, John and I were hanging out with some of my family and suddenly one of my best friends shows up and she starts whispering with one of my sisters-in-law in another room. I had no idea what was happening but John and I were called into another room and were immediately faced with a couple on a phone screen who said “Hi Katharine and John!”. I thought they were friends of my sister-in-law whom we had met before and I immediately felt horrible that I didn’t remember who they were. Haha!

“We are from Good Grief Journals and we did the A Baby For Christmas Fundraiser”….and then I burst into tears!
Poor John had NO idea what was going on, I hadn’t even told him about the fundraiser. I meant it when I said I never thought about it again after that day.He had no idea why I was sobbing. 

They told us that we were nominated by our sister-in-law AND by one of my best friends (unbeknownst to each other!). 

After reading through 1300 nominations the husband and wife team each found one of our nominations and highlighted us for further thought. Then they showed each other the nominations and they were surprised to find that they had highlighted the same couple. I cannot imagine the struggle they must have gone through, reading 1300 stories of couples who desperately want to grow their family. Particularly because they had experienced infertility struggles themselves. Infertility wounds will always leave scars, and your heart will always break for others who experience the same. 

Because of the generosity they experienced in their own infertility journey they wanted to give someone the same help they were given. They decided 10 days before Christmas to do a fundraiser and to choose a couple based off of nominations they received.  

Drum roll please....

We are officially the recipients of the A Baby For Christmas Fundraiser! They are covering the costs of fertility treatments up to $10,000!  

Good Grief Journals was incredibly able to raise $10,000 in just 10 days. Thousands of people donated their hard earned money to this fundraiser. Even some businesses donated their proceeds. All of them hoping to give a family the very real chance of welcoming a baby into their family. 

And they chose us…

I am completely humbled by what God can work out through thousands of hearts and hands. 

I want to tell you that my heart was immediately peaceful and hopeful and completely overjoyed and I never doubted anything for a single second. But alas, my heart is a fickle thing and almost immediately after the dust settled, I was anxious. I felt myself suddenly grasping at the hope that had filled me, but it slipped though my fingers like a vapor, already starting to burrow into the deepest parts of my heart and I couldn’t recall it.

My sister-in-law looked at me and said “Its a Christmas miracle” and I said “I know…but we thought we had a Christmas Miracle before, and it hurt so much when it wasn’t real”. 

She wisely responded “But you can’t force your heart to not have hope because you’ve been hurt before.”

There are very real parts of me that struggle deeply with miracles. I doubt the sincerity of them, often blinded by the scars of old wounds. There was a time in my life when my heart cried out so desperately for a miracle, and we didn’t receive one, our son died. 

I am great at the logical side of life and grief. I know the truths about who God is and what He promises to us in this life. Give me a formula and I excel at following it. But ask me to truly believe in miracles for myself? No thanks, been there, hoped for that. I have a dead son and 7 subsequent years of infertility that have proved to me the negligence of miracles.

Yet here I sit, broken and sometimes faithless, the recipient of a very real miracle. 

We have received a miracle that we do not deserve. Our story is heartbreaking, yes, but so are countless others’, we are certainly not more deserving than they are, and my heart breaks for those who were left waiting when we no longer have too. We are just two sinners struggling to seek Christ and to be more like Him, so often failing, and yet, we’ve been chosen for this. Not because we have been able to redeem our failures nor because we have proven ourselves worthy. 

Only through the saving grace of the sacrifice of Jesus Christ have we been redeemed. Through His sacrifice we have been made new, co-heirs with Him, an adopted son and daughter of the most high God. Because of Jesus’ sacrifice, and our acceptance of it, we are forgiven and made holy. Our sins no longer bear as strikes against us, and our struggles are no longer in vain. Every single moment has purpose, every trial has sanctification, and every one of His sons and daughters have a plan. This one is ours.

Before Christmas I put this quote on our letter board, and the day after we found out we were chosen, I wept in front of it. The goodness of God was made known to us so strongly, when we  deserve so much less.

Thank you. 

Thank you for following along with my blog as we’ve journeyed through the ups and downs of this life. 

Thank you for loving us enough that you believe we deserve this. 

Thank you for the thousands of prayers you’ve prayed for us.

Thank you for those of you who prayed when I could not and who hoped when I had none left.

Thank you for believing in miracles, and for being the hands and feet of Jesus that brought this one about. 

“I remain confident of this: I will see the goodness of the LORD in the land of the living.”

 -Psalm 27:13