If you haven’t been living under a rock you’re probably pretty up to date on the latest pandemic sweeping through our world right now. Covid-19, the Coronavirus, has us all on our toes. And I’m tripping.
Seriously, Anxiety, party of one? 🙋🏻♀️
I have a real problem with control. I’ve had it since I was a child. It manifested itself as a deep need to never be away from my mom (sorry for all the failed sleepovers Mom!). But really, it was just a deep need to be in my familiar, controlled environment.
As a teenager and young adult I frequently felt the overwhelming desire to just “go home” whenever I felt too overwhelmed or anxious. Fast forward to living in the real life and discovering that going home didn’t work anymore. I was home, and I still felt out of control.
I need a plan. If there isn’t one, I make it, and I get a gold star, every time, for sticking to it. But the world doesn’t work with timelines and gold stars. It’s a series of misdirections and mishaps that somehow shape us into something we never thought possible.
Sometimes, deep down, I don’t trust God. Sure, the logical part of my brain does, I mean, He’s God. But my sinner’s heart doesn’t always get the memo.
I don’t trust that He’s gonna give me the good things in life. I think I’m just going to keep being handed the short straw. So, in preparation for the disappointment of life, I mentally prepare for the worst. If if do that, then, logically, I’m not as disappointed when the times comes...which, of course, works every time (<—deep sarcasm).
I’ve had my fair share of heartbreaking things in my life. Three years of infertility, the death of our son, seven years of secondary infertility, and throw in a failed adoption for good measure. And those are just the highlights.
I often find that in the midst of the hard things I am more able to trust in God and lean on Him. It is probably because there aren’t a lot of other options. When we are in the middle of the fallout its very clear whom we should be clinging to, because we can’t possibly control the disaster that is surrounding us. Its once the dust settles that our overeager sin natures try to overwhelm us with “common sense” and “logic”.
That’s when I’m unfaithful, that’s when I seemingly pat the Big Man on the back and tell Him “I’ve got it from here”. Because, obviously, I know how to best protect myself (deep eye roll).
So, in the midst of a global panic about a seemingly unstoppable illness threatening the lives of million…I just want to “go home”.
Now, I could describe to you the thousands of ways God loves and provides for me every single day/week/year. But, I’m pretty sure that you already know, and already know how He also has done that in your own lives.
So, I just want to say that I’m sorry. I’m sorry that you’re anxious or scared or angry during this time. I’m sorry that we all grew up and “going home” doesn’t work anymore. I’m sorry we live in a broken, battered, sinful world and we have to deal with the repercussions of sin, both externally and internally.
Sometimes we can know all the verses, hear all the stories, and pray all the prayers, and we are still left to just wait on the Lord. Waiting in our own iniquity. Trusting that God is working in our hearts on the microlevel, being faithful to us even as we are often unfaithful to Him. Changing a heart often takes time an effort, and we are sometimes prone to falling back into our old ways.
So, I’m ever thankful for Jesus, who has redeemed us and removed the legalism of our faith from us.
But, should we sin more that grace may abound more? Absolutely not. What I am saying, is that, I am a sinner. I struggle with anxiety and the need to control. God hasn’t removed this burden completely from me. I see you, I know intimately your pain and struggle. I choose to believe in the power of Jesus Christ and choose to trust in the almighty God. He has proven to be ever faithful.
Do not be afraid of moving slowly, my friends, only of staying still.
beautiful, friend!
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