When Adoption Fails

Christmas 2018 was an special time for us. We thought that we would be adopting a baby. We spent an entire month living in the hope of that little baby boy coming home with us. 

Unfortunately it fell completely apart (in surprising ways) and our hearts were really broken. 

We’ve spent a year recovering from that experience and, honestly, I have really not wanted to share it. It was a pretty private hurt and one that was not well understood. 

Every time I thought about sharing our story I just kept holding back. I didn’t want to reopen old wounds.

But, the past few months I’ve felt the Lord speaking to my heart about our story. This part of our life is dirty and broken and doesn’t have a “happy ending”. But that doesn’t mean its any less sanctioned by God. I’ve tried to not shy away from sharing the hard parts of our story before, so I shouldn’t start now. 

So, the easiest way to share our story is to share the emails that we sent to our family members during that time. 

So…here goes.

Hello Family,

John and I have spent some time deliberating whether or not to write this email informing you of the recent goings on in our life. But, after much prayer, we decided that the necessity of the prayers of those closest to us outweighs the desire to guard our hearts and remain less vulnerable.

So, we are cautiously excited to say that John and I have found ourselves in a situation that could possibly lead to us adopting a baby. (Woah! Yay! Wow! And all those feelings!)

We met a homeless woman named K. She is 24 weeks pregnant with a baby, and wants to place her child with a family who can take care of him.

We were introduced to K. Christmas Eve and have been seeing her and H. (that baby’s father) frequently ever since. We have had some great bonding moments and we believe they are fond of us. She knows we would like to adopt her baby and she is very open with us about it.  

K. is an alcoholic as well as a smoker. So far we (and others) have not been able to get her into a rehab or even to a doctor reliably. We are very aware of the potential that this baby might have special needs, possibly quite severe. We are not entering into this lightly. We have decided that regardless of the situation, we will pursue adoption (if K. continues to desire that from us), even if we are only able to help provide a funeral. After all, we know how important it is to celebrate life at whatever stage, for however long. 

From the start it seems that God has had His hand on this situation and has been moving mountains in order for us to pursue this adoption. With each, seemingly impossible, hurdle we have been shown that the mighty hand of God is at work. So, we are continuing forward, however daunting it may still seem. 

As of right now, we think the baby due in April. However, due to the alcoholism and smoking there is a high possibility that the baby is not measuring true to the estimated due date. There is also a good chance K. will go into labor prematurely due do her issues. We do not currently know the true extent of K’s, or the baby’s, health issues.

John has said frequently the past few weeks “There are a million ways this doesn’t work…and only one way it will.” God’s plan is either for us to adopt this baby or not. We are choosing to lay our hearts’ desires in His hands and praying for His will.

With all that finally being said, we love and appreciate all of you and have specifically chosen each of you to enter into this sacred circle of prayer with us. Even if this all all for naught, we believe that God is at work in our hearts and is changing us for the better even now. 

Thank you so much,

Katharine and John 

“And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose.” Romans 8:28.

A few weeks later we found out really hard news and had to send out another email to our family…

Hello everyone,

“And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose.” Romans 8:28.

It is with heavy hearts that we write this email. 

We have discovered, through recent events, that K. is actually not pregnant at all. She has been to the ER and hospitalized a few times since we met her (and many times prior to us meeting her) and they’ve told her that due to the alcoholism she has developed Cirrhosis and that has made her look like she is pregnant but that every test has been negative. She is not pregnant. 

We do not know why she chose to lie (and continues to do so) about the pregnancy, or why she actively sought out adoptive parents. 

We can only tell you that our hearts have felt heartbroken since the moment we found out. It seems confusing and convoluted to have loved a little person who suddenly never even existed in the first place. 

And while we feel tempted to judge and condemn K. for her actions, we want to continue to feel love and compassion for her, despite the decisions she’s made and how it’s effected us and those around her. 

We have not lived her life, and we cannot imagine how the trauma and abuse she’s experienced has effected her. We can only see the repercussions of her past in the life she chooses to live now. 

But we serve a great and mighty God and we know that He is the great redeemer and healer. We know that nothing and no one is beyond His reach. 

So, we will continue in our ministry towards K. We will choose to show grace and love to K. in hopes of showing her the unconditional love of Christ. 

We ask that you continue to keep K. and H. in your prayers. As well as us, as our hearts continue to heal. 

We seem to be old pros at preparing our hearts for a baby that doesn’t come. And this has opened old wounds and created new ones. But, in our experience, we’ve seen the mighty hand of God actively in our lives as He has healed us and led us forward. We know this situation is no different. 

We don’t know why we were led down this path, or why God was opening so many doors for us. But our job is not to discover “why” but to obey and serve Him in all that He asks of us. 

Thank you for your previous prayers, and for your continued prayers amidst our grief and weariness.

God is so very good, and we are thankful for circumstances like these, that remind us of the great redemption He has lived out for us. 

Katharine and John

Guys, we were so very heartbroken.

We felt betrayed.

We felt foolish.

We felt alone.

The constant during this time was the knowledge that God led us down this road. We never doubted that. Why would God do that to us? He knew….He KNEW that there was no baby, and yet He wanted us to walk that road…and that felt...mean.

So, how do we reconcile the God that is loving, wise, and perfect and the God that knowingly leads us to brokenness?

Well it starts with acknowledging the truths of who God is (and believe me, we’ve had lots of practice). He is good, and perfect, and loving, and faithful. 

Which means…that our brokenness is good, and perfect, and loving, and faithful. 

Sound familiar? Yes, because, my goodness, we have been down this road before.

I wish that I could say that we had no moments of doubt, or fear, or anxiety, or jealousy. But, unfortunately, we are sinners, and we definitely struggled with each of those. I am constantly reminded of our great need for a savior and am so very thankful that Jesus Christ took our sin upon His shoulders and sacrificed Himself on the cross. We have been redeemed by God’s great love and sacrifice.

Honestly, I didn’t really want to share this part of our story. It’s pretty ugly and broken. 

It doesn’t really feel beautiful or hopeful. It doesn’t even make a lot of sense, especially to others. 

But, sometimes, we aren’t called to do things that make sense to our finite minds. Sometimes God ask for big things and big faith. Sometimes it hurts. Sometimes He asks us to be broken. And sometimes He asks us to share our brokenness even when we cannot understand why. 

All we can do is say “Here I am, yes Lord, Your will be done”.