I Breath In, I Breath Out

I’ve been avoiding this blog for weeks…Why? Because I’m sitting in a heap at the bottom of a mountain with nothing to show for days, weeks, years, of waiting.

This month was not a month of beautiful waiting and peace in that time. 

It was a month in which I was brought down time and time again by thoughts, fears, and hurts that still struggle to overwhelm a heart that breaths through the broken cracks of my life.

I had a panic attack for the first time ever. I couldn’t breath, my husband had to hold me and show me how to breath in, and breath out. 

When we found out we weren’t pregnant again, I did not accept it peacefully and lovingly. 

Anger railed against me, I fought to maintain a semblance of control over the hurt and failure and distrust that filled me. 

I’m so frustrated and hurt because I have a heart that I have to piece back together each month as I attempt to climb back up this mountain, only to discover myself back at the bottom again, in a blink of the eye. 

I feel like Sisyphus, cursed with the knowledge that my stone will roll back down that hill until someone so much bigger than myself chooses to maintain it at the top. 

You might say “So, stop pushing the stone, stop putting yourself through the misery” you wouldn’t be the first person to say it, and I’m sure you won’t be the last.

But I cannot stop…Because it is not a compulsion, inflicted upon me as a punishment for the life of sin I have lived. 

This desire, this heartbreak, this brokenness that often fills me, it is a gift. A gift from a loving Father who is transforming me into something greater than I could ever see or imagine. 

So, I breath in, and breath out. 

And I start the climb again, a little less of who I was before, but hopefully a little more like Him…

A little more like the Father who is whispering my name from the top, urging me forward when my breath seems to fail.

A little more like the Spirit that forces breath into my lungs. when they feel like they might burst.

A little more like the Savior that moves in unison beside me, with hands broken and bloody like mine, reminding me that my own strength fails every time but His is what carries me to the top.

And because of Them, the Godhead three in one, I breath in, and I breath out, and I push my stone.